Ed Helms credited as playing...
Brad Gurdlinger
- David Clark: [On the phone] We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttfuck, New Mexico.
- Brad Gurdlinger: Why?
- David Clark: Why? Why? Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his fucking nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!
- Brad Gurdlinger: That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers?
- David Clark: What the fuck is that?
- Brad Gurdlinger: Oh, my orca. Yeah, I bought an orca. I make a lot of money.
- David Clark: So you bought a whale?
- Brad Gurdlinger: Well, I don't like sports cars.
- Brad Gurdlinger: Listen, this is a fucked up situation. But, I might have a win-win situation for both of us.
- David Clark: Great.
- Brad Gurdlinger: I have a smidge of very choice marijuana down in Mexico, and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular currier is unavailable on the account of the fact he got gunned down. Anyway, that's where you come in.
- Brad Gurdlinger: Go for B-Rad
- David Clark: Hey Brad, what the fuck!
- Brad Gurdlinger: Uh oh, something wrong?
- David Clark: Yeah, something's wrong. Something's very, very wrong. You said a smidge of pot, and this is not a smidge.
- Brad Gurdlinger: Smidge and half, no?
- David Clark: Look, you got me moving enough weed to kill Willie fucking Nelson, man. Ok, they are used a god damn bucket brigade to put it on the RV as we speak!
- Brad Gurdlinger: Wait, you just walked in there, told them you were picking up for Pablo Chacon, and they were like "Yeah, no problem?"
- David Clark: Why do you sound suprized by this?
- David Clark: Who the fuck is Pablo Chacon?
- Brad Gurdlinger: I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?
- Brad Gurdlinger: It's all here! I'm blown away David, great job. But it's late, deadline was last night, so... sorry buddy. No deal.
- David Clark: Brad, I almost got killed over this shit twice.
- Brad Gurdlinger: Look, i'm not gonna be an asshole about this. I got two tons of premium weed, and yes you got Chacon pinched in the process, which is a huge win for team Brad. So how about we shake hands and call it even?
- David Clark: You were never gonna pay me, were you?
- Brad Gurdlinger: Is that a dick move? I can never tell anymore.
- [DEA team then breaks in and arrests everybody]
- Brad Gurdlinger: [as Brad is being handcuffed] You double crossed me!
- David Clark: Kind of a dick move. right?
- Brad Gurdlinger: [On the phone with David] I'm just getting some singing lessons from my main man Ben Folds Five. Ain't that right Ben Folds Five?
- Ben Folds - Piano Teacher: My name is Ben Folds. "Five" is the name of the band.
- Brad Gurdlinger: Remember the song we used to listen to? 'She's a brick and I'm drowning slowly' I've fucking got the guy. He's like my personal bitch.
- Ben Folds - Piano Teacher: This gig sucks.
- Brad Gurdlinger: Don't talk to me like that. I will have you killed and no one will miss your fucking nerd music.