Kelly Stables credited as playing...
Melissa
- Melissa: [after making love with Alan] Can we do this again?
- Alan Harper: Again? Well, maybe you can do it again, but men are different!
- Melissa: [Waiting for Alan to come home] Doesn't Alan usually come home right after work?
- Charlie Harper: Usually.
- Melissa: Hope he didn't get into an accident.
- Charlie Harper: Nah, I'm not that lucky.
- Melissa: How can you say that?
- Charlie Harper: I'm just stating a fact.
- Alan Harper: [Alan goes to Charlie's house to see Melissa and tries to lie about secretly living with Lyndsey] I would've been home earlier, but we had a, uh, little situation at the office.
- Charlie Harper: [knows that Alan is lying and finds it amusing to make the situation more difficult for him] Oh, no! What happened?
- Alan Harper: Um, well, I, uh, lost a patient.
- Melissa: Oh, my God! Someone died?
- Alan Harper: Oh, no, no. Not, you know, lost like died. Uh, more like, uh, uh, misplaced.
- Melissa: Oh, thank goodness.
- Charlie Harper: Alan, I'm just wondering. How does a chiropractor misplace a patient?
- Alan Harper: Good question.
- Charlie Harper: I thought so!
- Alan Harper: Well, uh, he's an elderly fellow... uh, who, in addition to scoliosis... also has dementia. I just spent the last hour and a half driving up Ventura Boulevard... looking for a, you know, shirtless, hunched-over, 80-year-old man. Found quite a few, heh. But, uh, none of them were mine.
- Melissa: [Looking concerned] So, he's still out there?
- Alan Harper: Yeah.
- Charlie Harper: [Feigning seriousness] Did you call the police?
- Alan Harper: Yes, Charlie, I did.
- Charlie Harper: [Continuing to sound serious] What did they say?
- Alan Harper: They thanked me for my help... and told me to go home and let them do their job. So here I am. Home. Better late than never.
- Charlie Harper: Oh, please! You've never given never a chance!