Simon Pegg credited as playing...
Neil
- Neil Clarke: I can do ANYTHING! Okay... bu... but... what do I *really* want?
- [Looks down and laughs]
- Neil Clarke: GIVE ME A REALLY BIG DICK!
- [Falls over]
- Neil Clarke: Augh! ouch! NOT *THAT* BIG! Obviously! Dick, return to your old size!
- [Gets up]
- Neil Clarke: Agh! Ah... Ok. Um... Let me have a penis that women find exciting!
- [Looks down]
- Neil Clarke: Yeah, it's good, yeah. Could I have it white?
- [Dennis barks]
- Neil Clarke: What are you talking about, Dennis?... Dennis, shut up, I can handle this!... Dennis, what are you talking about? Actually, that is a really good point, what are you talking about? Dennis, be able to speak!
- Dennis: Biscuits!
- Neil Clarke: What?
- Dennis: Biscuits! For crying out loud, they're in the cupboard!
- Neil Clarke: Give me a body that people find attractive!
- [He turns into a topless woman]
- Neil Clarke: No! A male body! Give me the body of a great man!
- [Turns into Albert Einstein]
- Neil Clarke: No! Give me the body of a man who people find attractive!
- [Turns into a hunky guy]
- Neil Clarke: Better.
- Neil Clarke: [feeds Dennis] God, it must be terrible being a dog! I never knew you had so many cravings!
- Dennis: It's no worse than you and that bitch!
- Neil Clarke: What bitch?
- Dennis: The bitch you were shagging last night!
- Neil Clarke: Oh my god, she's not a bitch, she's a lovely human female! And we weren't shagging!
- Dennis: Yes, you were!
- Neil Clarke: No we weren't, we were talking!
- Dennis: Talking about shagging!
- Neil Clarke: No!
- Dennis: What else is there to talk about?
- Neil Clarke: I don't think I like your conversation!
- Dennis: But I worship you, master! I love you so much! I can't bear displeasing you! My whole world collapses when you're cross with me!
- Neil Clarke: I'm not going to give you a biscuit until you answer my question!
- Dennis: Biscuits! Bread biscuits, black biscuits!
- Neil Clarke: Is that all you think about?
- Dennis: Nothing else matters! Biscuits, please!
- Neil Clarke: Dennis, become a rational thinking creature!
- Dennis: Look, I just can't concentrate on anything till I've had one of those biscuits! I know it's crazy, but that's how it is. I guess I'm kinda hooked on them. So please, give me just one biscuit, and I'll be able to think about something else!
- Neil Clarke: That makes sense.
- [goes to the cupboard]
- Dennis: Oh, he's getting the biscuits! He's getting the biscuits!
- Neil Clarke: [Gets knocked off his bike by a car] Screw you!
- [the driver of the car sudden feels an invisible person having sex with him]
- [on hearing the bell, Dennis gets excited]
- Neil Clarke: Dennis, listen! Listen, listen, listen! Be quiet! That is an order!
- Dennis: Right! Right! I like obeying orders, especially your orders!
- Neil Clarke: Good. Then shut the fuck up!... Good boy.
- Dennis: Okay... okay... shut the fuck up...
- Dennis: I wouldn't mind shagging your leg right now...
- Neil Clarke: I thought I turned you into a rational thinking creature!
- Dennis: Rational thinking creature still have desires!
- Neil Clarke: We'll soon deal with that...
- Dennis: NO! Don't take my desires away from me!
- Neil Clarke: Why not?
- Dennis: They wouldn't make my life worth living! Biscuits, shagging!
- Headmaster: You, Mr Clarke, are totally irresponsible, you are idle and you are feckless.
- Neil: Feckless?
- Headmaster: Yes, you are without feck. If I could replace you, I would.
- Neil: [to sobbing woman in grocery store] It's enough to make you weep, isn't it?
- Catherine: What?
- Neil: The price of pickles. Don't even look at the marinated herring. Honestly, you'd be suicidal.
- Catherine: I didn't want them, anyway. Thanks.
- [starts walking away]
- Neil: Um, I also offer support and counseling on dips, dried fruit, and pasta sauces.