Creep Van

It was actually more a horror comedy Even if it wasn't meant to be one I found myself laughing at lots of the cheesy scenes.

Know what I hate about a lot of modern horror films? The fact that so many have good, juicy death scenes... surrounded by acres and acres of pure undiluted s**t. I think you know where I'm going with this. The titular van has windows that'll decapitate you, seatbelts designed to suffocate and a button on the radio that will send a spike right through your heart. Great.

Until you realise... you have to tolerate unfunny sex jokes, repellent characters, hokey dialogue and BBAADD acting for 95% of the length. No thanks. Also, with all the VHS tapes in the background, and no sign of a laptop anywhere, could this unaccountably be set in the 90's? If so, I give them apropos. Of Nothing.

Ugh. Stupid film. Go away. 4/10

The number of ultra-ultra-low-low beginner's school films seems to be increasing daily (thank you digital and thank you RED). Unfortunately they also should come with a disclaimer for consumers who want to be assured that what they're about to watch contains some level of competence.

While Creep Van doesn't really rank into that stinking dogpile, it comes a bit too close for comfort at times. I haven't seen "Gag" --- though it does sound pretty horrific, and not in a good way --- but at least "Creep Van" is reasonably well made in the technical sense.

Creep Van follows in the mold of Vehicular Homicide stuff from the '70s like The Car, only there's a very real psycho inside this titular rolling weapon. Whether that's good or not --- well --- I couldn't tell you, because there's no real reason given why the "creep" is slaughtering so many people with so many intricate and (sometimes) amusing deathtraps. Not that psychos NEED a reason to kill people, but if they don't, the filmmaker should at least give us something interesting to watch. That's not the pairing of Brian Kolodziej and Amy Wahrell who, though likable, don't have enough acting chops combined to chew through creamed corn. And isn't Wahrell a bit OLD for Kolodziej? I thought she was his mom half the time. But, I digress....

The main problem with this movie is, well...it doesn't know what it wants to be, exactly. The tone is all over the place: it wants to be a creepy, somber '80s throwback one minute, then a Fangoria face-ripped-off fright fest (but without one genuine shock, ironically), and then a wacky-as-all-get-out Troma schlocker. It actually does succeed in places, but the overall effect is jarringly uneven. It just doesn't have the sheen of a well-made film...even the stuff coming out of Troma these days is miles ahead in overall production quality.

Never thought I'd be referring to Troma as a mainstream standard but...in the context of Creep Van, it is.

Campbell Jackson (Brian Kolodziej) is a 20-something, unemployed misfit in Detroit. Forced to take a dead-end position at a local car wash, Campbell sees a dilapidated 1970s van for sale... but this is no ordinary van -- it is the creep van!

We start the film with a character remarking that "only bad people own vans". I love that, as I think it is a widely-held sentiment. The featured van here, a Ford Econoline, is popularly known as a "rape van" (or "creep van" in this case). I am glad someone took the idea and ran with it.

Well played to Robert Hall on effects. Almost Human does some great work, and this film is no exception. At one point, we see a person who has lost their face. This is an excellent example of top-notch gore from these guys.

In cameos we have Angelina Armani (Hall's girlfriend) and Troma legend Lloyd Kaufman. That was a nice touch. The film as a whole has a nice, light-hearted approach to horror that I appreciate, and there is one scene that takes what could have been gratuitous sex and makes it actually entertaining in a non-sexual way.

Great horror film? Maybe not. But they knew what they wanted to do, did not try to go beyond their means, and pulled it off. I would take more films like "Creep Van" over the majority of the horror out there any day.

If you like a some low-brow comedy to accompany your bloody B-rate slasher, then the Creep Van will deliver! *NOTE: The version found on Netflix is NOT the raunchier, uncut, extended version that I viewed online.*

Despite a couple of shoddy performance moments and an unmistakably low-budget vibe, Creep Van manages very decent gore and a few laugh-out-loud moments. The humor is fairly original, as is the storyline. The characters and kills are curiously quirky. It is written nicely, and the film makes the most of its' budget by employing traditional stage effects and camera trickery rather than CGI tactics. The soundtrack and sound FX, though mostly absent, worked well enough and weren't a distraction.

The pace is fine, however it's hard to keep track of time that passes within the film. Has a day passed, or a month? Contemplating this was a bother. In fact, there are a number of missing or incomplete components within the story that were slightly bothersome. They did not however, impede My overall enjoyment. I was glad to have watched it, and would watch it again.

There are a number of topless scenes, hilariously bizarre sexuality, and other graphic moments that make this film inappropriate for those under 17 and for those with a big stick up their ultra-tight posterior.