Creep Van

Some loser living in Detroit without a car finds a job washing and detailing cars. The cashier girl develops an interest in him. His boss likes him, but his co-workers don't. Apparently he rents a room in a house of some sexually adventurous people. Eventually he decides to buy the cheapest car he can find. Nearby parked is an old van. He calls the owner but gets no response. Then the owner starts calling him and harassing him. We've seen this van before. It and its owner have killed a bunch of random people gruesomely. The van is rigged with all sorts of devices to brutally kill people. It's like a moving Saw trap.

Our loser runs into a strange customer. It's Swami Ted who forgets a bag full of marijuana at the car wash, which is quickly picked up by the other employees. Ted blames the loser and threatens him if he doesn't return the drugs, when suddenly the van appears and nearly runs over Ted, if the loser hadn't saved him. Now Ted is grateful and offers to help him whenever necessary.

Eventually the creep in the van grabs the girl and the loser and Ted will have to confront the creep.

Creep Van is an endearing C-level horror movie. Acting isn't all that great, the loser character is likable enough though. It was filmed in Detroit and has the independent East-coast film feel. The characters are human and actually talk to each other, unlike your big budget Hollywood productions. There's plenty of gore and it's first rate quality gore. No cheap CGI blood here. There's some nudity, too. Overall the story works, even though we learn nothing about the creep. The ending is surprising and good. But there's not a whole lot of sense of dread and it's not quite what you would expect from a movie called Creep Van. There should have been more pretty innocent victims killed the the van/creep. In a way the movie focuses too much on the loser and not enough on the bad guy.

I have seen Gag (2006) from director Scott W. Mckinlay and it wasn't my thing. It has taken a while, 6 years, before he made another full feature.

It's a different flick than Gag, Creep Van moves away from torture porn towards B-movie slasher. The effects used are really well done for a low budget but the acting wasn't always convincing. I guess it's a bit due the script not always being that good. When the killer appears the flick is okay and delivers for the horror fans and even the gorehounds. But it is in between that it sometimes become boring or even laughable.

The cameo from Lloyd Kaufman is funny because he's searching for Mr Kaufman. If you are into bad slashers from the seventies and even eighties then this is your thing, bad story, gruesome killings, gratuitous nudity.

Gore 2,5/5 Nudity 1,5/5 Effects 3/5 Story 2/5 Comedy 0/5

The number of ultra-ultra-low-low beginner's school films seems to be increasing daily (thank you digital and thank you RED). Unfortunately they also should come with a disclaimer for consumers who want to be assured that what they're about to watch contains some level of competence.

While Creep Van doesn't really rank into that stinking dogpile, it comes a bit too close for comfort at times. I haven't seen "Gag" --- though it does sound pretty horrific, and not in a good way --- but at least "Creep Van" is reasonably well made in the technical sense.

Creep Van follows in the mold of Vehicular Homicide stuff from the '70s like The Car, only there's a very real psycho inside this titular rolling weapon. Whether that's good or not --- well --- I couldn't tell you, because there's no real reason given why the "creep" is slaughtering so many people with so many intricate and (sometimes) amusing deathtraps. Not that psychos NEED a reason to kill people, but if they don't, the filmmaker should at least give us something interesting to watch. That's not the pairing of Brian Kolodziej and Amy Wahrell who, though likable, don't have enough acting chops combined to chew through creamed corn. And isn't Wahrell a bit OLD for Kolodziej? I thought she was his mom half the time. But, I digress....

The main problem with this movie is, well...it doesn't know what it wants to be, exactly. The tone is all over the place: it wants to be a creepy, somber '80s throwback one minute, then a Fangoria face-ripped-off fright fest (but without one genuine shock, ironically), and then a wacky-as-all-get-out Troma schlocker. It actually does succeed in places, but the overall effect is jarringly uneven. It just doesn't have the sheen of a well-made film...even the stuff coming out of Troma these days is miles ahead in overall production quality.

Never thought I'd be referring to Troma as a mainstream standard but...in the context of Creep Van, it is.

It was actually more a horror comedy Even if it wasn't meant to be one I found myself laughing at lots of the cheesy scenes.

Know what I hate about a lot of modern horror films? The fact that so many have good, juicy death scenes... surrounded by acres and acres of pure undiluted s**t. I think you know where I'm going with this. The titular van has windows that'll decapitate you, seatbelts designed to suffocate and a button on the radio that will send a spike right through your heart. Great.

Until you realise... you have to tolerate unfunny sex jokes, repellent characters, hokey dialogue and BBAADD acting for 95% of the length. No thanks. Also, with all the VHS tapes in the background, and no sign of a laptop anywhere, could this unaccountably be set in the 90's? If so, I give them apropos. Of Nothing.

Ugh. Stupid film. Go away. 4/10