H. Jon Benjamin credited as playing...
Sterling Archer
- Woodhouse: Lieutenant Scripes abhorred the way Reggie, err, Captain Thistleton carried on with the men.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, didn't Oscar Wilde get hard labor for that?
- Sterling Archer: That's silvertip badger, kid. Do you know how much this cost?
- [Archer takes shaving brush from wee baby Seamus, who starts crying]
- Sterling Archer: No. Don't. Hey, come on.
- [Archer hands brush back to Seamus]
- Sterling Archer: Here. God! Baby!
- Sterling Archer: You want me to take a baby... to a murder.
- Malory Archer: Wherever. Just out of here. I have no more love to give today.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, but, what is it, like 2:30?
- Sterling Archer: Woodhouse? What the hell is this?
- Woodhouse: I believe it's squash, sir.
- Sterling Archer: What are you shoveling it into?
- Woodhouse: The wee baby Seamus. Miss Trinette said you'd agreed to it while she's in Atlantic City for the weekend.
- Sterling Archer: WHAT!
- Woodhouse: For the Pimps and Ho's Ball I believe she said. Didn't seem the sort of place one takes a baby.
- Sterling Archer: Why are you sitting? At my table?
- Woodhouse: The paper sir. There's an item.
- Sterling Archer: Oh, yeah. Did somebody finally out the queen? Right? This baby knows what I'm talking about.
- Woodhouse: Not much left of the old Double Deuce any more. We're all dying off.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, uhh, not a huge surprise.
- Woodhouse: Hell indeed, sir, because, one at a time, the remaining survivors of the old Double Deuce... are being murdered.
- Sterling Archer: Oh, my God. Are we out of Bloody Marys?
- Sterling Archer: [Archer takes martini from wee baby Seamus] Seamus! No! Huh uh! No no no!
- Sterling Archer: [Seamus begins crying] Woodhouse, I can either do... God! You are such a little brat.
- Sterling Archer: [Archer hands martini back to Seamus] Here!
- Malory Archer: [the wee baby Seamus is sitting, crying on Malory's desk] What the hell is wrong with him?
- Sterling Archer: He might have a tiny hangover.
- Sterling Archer: I'm sure you did, mother, but, apparently, Woodhouse is about to be murdered, so...
- Malory Archer: [said to Seamus] So are you if you piddle in here. And that goes double for number two, mister man, so you just hold it in.
- Sterling Archer: Wow. Ton of stuff just started to make sense to me.
- Malory Archer: The secret is negative reinforcement.
- Sterling Archer: Yeah, I'm, uhh, just getting that.
- Malory Archer: About time. Ass!
- Woodhouse: Gave birth to you right there on that greasy bar. I cut the cord and I've been with your family ever since.
- Sterling Archer: You... You saw mother's VAGINA! Oh, my god! Ahhh! Oh, god! Oh, I can't breathe.
- Sterling Archer: Idiots doing idiot things because they're idiots.
- Cyril Figgis: Ha ha, yeah, we're the idiots says the genius who got a hooker pregnant.