Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper
- Alan Harper: [Jake and Eldridge's second stunt in their "Dumbass" project goes a bit wrong] Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks!
- Jake Harper: We took precautions.
- Alan Harper: [almost too angry to speak] You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
- Eldridge Mackelroy: We were planning to land in the ocean.
- Alan Harper: You missed it! By a *hundred yards*!
- Jake Harper: It's not an exact science, Dad.
- Alan Harper: Okay. Okay. Let's not dicker over the details.
- Eldridge Mackelroy: [giggling] He said "dicker".
- Jake Harper: I know!
- Alan Harper: Okay! Okay! I am serious, okay? This "Dumbass" thing stops right now!
- Jake Harper: You're the one who told me I should follow my dreams!
- Alan Harper: I meant dreams like doctor, or lawyer. Not crash test dummy!
- Jake Harper: [musing] Doctor Jacob Harper. I like the sound of that.
- Eldridge Mackelroy: [continuing the parody] Hey, Doc! What's this on my nutsack? Is it infected?
- Jake Harper: Yes. It seems we'll have to perform a nutsack-ectomy.
- Alan Harper: [reaching a new state of outrage] Will... you... two... quit with the cockamamie babble, and focus on what I am trying to tell you?
- Jake Harper: [giggling anew] He said "cockamamie"!
- Eldridge Mackelroy: He said "foke-us"!
- Jake Harper: [Jake and Eldridge are making a video] A warm diet cola product.
- [Jake gulps the soda]
- Jake Harper: Ahhhh. Now, I will swallow a Mentos. Mentos. Now, I'll lay on the floor.
- Eldridge Mackelroy: Goggles?
- Jake Harper: Right. Safety first.
- Eldridge Mackelroy: You feel anything yet?
- Jake Harper: Oh, yeah. It's workin'.
- Eldridge Mackelroy: If it starts comin' out the back door, pull your pants down and roll over.
- Jake Harper: Good thinkin'.
- Alan Harper: [Alan comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
- Jake Harper: Not a good time, Dad.
- Alan Harper: What are you doing on the floor?
- [Jake spews about four feet high, covering Alan]
- Eldridge Mackelroy: [camera rolling] Awesome!
- Alan Harper: [enraged] What the hell are you doing?
- Jake Harper: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
- Alan Harper: Are you all right?
- Jake Harper: Yeah. We were just makin' a video. Hold on.
- [Jake rushes to the sink to vomit some more]
- Jake Harper: Cool stunts.
- Alan Harper: Cool stunts? In God's name, why?
- Jake Harper: You've heard of "Jackass"?
- Alan Harper: Yeah.
- Eldridge Mackelroy: [proudly] We are "Dumbass".
- Jake Harper: [for their third "Dumbass" stunt, Jake is warming up some beans] So, I'm thinking we call this stunt "Fart Rocket".
- Eldridge Mackelroy: Naw, I think we need to go with something a little more intellectual. How 'bout, "The Dumbass Ass Blaster"?
- Jake Harper: You can't use two "asses" in a row. It's... redumnant.
- Alan Harper: [comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
- Jake Harper: Just makin' Eldridge somethin' to eat.
- Alan Harper: [sensing another stupid stunt] Really.
- Eldridge Mackelroy: Yes, I was peckerish.
- Alan Harper: You mean, "peckish".
- Eldridge Mackelroy: Fine, if you wanna dicker.
- Jake Harper: Good one, dude!