Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Charlie Harper
- Berta: Hey, Charlie?
- Charlie Harper: Yeah?
- Berta: When did you become a bitch?
- Charlie Harper: What? I was just leaving her a message.
- Berta: The girl is married. Leave her alone.
- Charlie Harper: I can't! I love her! I need her!
- Berta: Bitch!
- Alan Harper: Dave and I had the same education, the same skills. We started our practice at the same time. But, he does three times the business that I do. You know why?
- Charlie Harper: He offers happy endings?
- Alan Harper: Once the profits start rolling in, I can move out.
- Charlie Harper: And once I grow boobs, I can start dancing the lunch shift at "Les Girls! Girls! Girls!".
- Alan Harper: With targeted advertising, I could double the size of my practice.
- Charlie Harper: Wow! A second patient!
- Gordon: Everything okay, Mr. Harper?
- Charlie Harper: My date just cancelled.
- Gordon: Can't the service send over another girl?
- Charlie Harper: Berta? Are you seeing this? Am I dreaming?
- Berta: You got the Kardashian sisters under the table?
- Charlie Harper: Nope.
- Berta: Then you're not dreaming.
- Alan Harper: You have $5,000 in your sweatpants?
- Charlie Harper: I prefer to think of it as three hookers and a Philly cheesesteak.