Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper
- Alan Harper: [Enters a confessional and sees the window closed] Hi. I'd like a Jumbo Jack and an apple turnover.
- Father Shaunassey: [the window suddenly opens] Do you want fries with that?
- Alan Harper: Just to be clear, what I tell you is between you and me.
- Father Shaunassey: And the Lord.
- Alan Harper: Sure, but I'm not worried about him blabbing. You, I just met. Couldn't pick you out of a lineup.
- Alan Harper: Do you know what a Ponzi scheme is?
- Father Shaunassey: I do. Are you an investment banker?
- Alan Harper: No, I'm a chiropractor.
- Father Shaunassey: A chiropractic Ponzi scheme. Okay, you piqued my interest.
- Charlie Harper: I don't recall asking for your opinion.
- Alan Harper: Hey! Hey! I'm just looking out for you!
- Charlie Harper: Do me a favor: a little less looking out, little more moving out!
- Alan Harper: Bless me, Father, for I have sinned?
- Father Shaunassey: Are you asking me or telling me?
- Father Shaunassey: When was your last confession?
- Alan Harper: Oh, wow, let's see. Uh, that would be... never!
- Father Shaunassey: Are you even Catholic?
- Alan Harper: No, but I'm a big fan. The costumes, the music, um, crackers and wine.
- Father Shaunassey: That's the body and blood of our Saviour.
- Alan Harper: I know. Mm-mm, good. You guys ever think about putting that in supermarkets like a Lunchable?
- Alan Harper: I was hoping that you could forgive me.
- Father Shaunassey: Are you prepared to make restitution and confess what you've done to your family?
- Alan Harper: Oh, God, no! I was hoping you could give me a few Hail Marys and I could make a donation to the Church's legal-defense fund. Win-win.
- Father Shaunassey: That's not how absolution works. You have to make an act of contrition and then do penance.
- Alan Harper: Do I get to keep the money?
- Father Shaunassey: No!
- Alan Harper: Uh, you know what? I'm just gonna mosey over to Temple Beth Shalom and see what their deal is! I'll get back to you!
- Jake Harper: Who were you talking to?
- Alan Harper: Oh! Uh, I was just singing.
- Jake Harper: That wasn't singing.
- Alan Harper: Who are you, Simon Cowell?
- Rose: [Rose busts Alan doing no work at his office and watching 3D movies] Oh, Alan, Alan, Alan. What are you doing?
- Alan Harper: Oh! Uh, what do you mean? I'm just taking a break between patients.
- [Rose gives him a stern look - Alan takes off the 3D glasses]
- Alan Harper: Oh! Uh... chiropractic x-ray glasses. Cutting-edge stuff!
- Berta: Just brought your clean towels.
- Alan Harper: What about my washcloths?
- Berta: I threw those away.
- Alan Harper: Why?
- Berta: Do you really have to ask?
- Berta: I need my money back.
- Alan Harper: Why?
- Berta: Just found out two of my teenage granddaughters are pregnant.
- Alan Harper: At the same time?
- Berta: By the same guy!
- Alan Harper: Here is your $10,000. Hope it works out with your granddaughters.
- Berta: They're 15 years old and pregnant. What should I look forward to? The next season of Teen Mom?