Ashton Kutcher credited as playing...
Walden Schmidt
- Walden Schmidt: Guess what? I had sex with two girls last night.
- Alan Harper: Great! Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep.
- Walden Schmidt: I like my night better.
- Alan Harper: Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk?
- Walden Schmidt: About what?
- Alan Harper: I don't know. The weather? Politics? Why somebody would wanna kill themselves when they have a billion freaking dollars?
- Alan Harper: Nobody likes the taste of alcohol. We like the effects of alcohol! It makes you feel tall, good-looking and smart.
- Walden Schmidt: I am tall, good-looking and smart.
- Walden Schmidt: Do you have a wetsuit?
- Alan Harper: It can't be that bad.
- Walden Schmidt: It could be. You don't know!