Jon Cryer credited as playing...
Alan Harper
- Alan Harper: So you're saying you want to drop out of High School?
- Jake Harper: Why not? Did you know that Walden made his first million before he was nineteen?
- Alan Harper: How many zeros in a million, Jake?
- Jake Harper: M-I-L-L-I-O-N. One!
- Walden Schmidt: Check this out! My socks match my sneakers.
- Alan Harper: But your sneakers don't match each other.
- Walden Schmidt: Hey, I'm getting ready for my date with Bridget. How do I look?
- Alan Harper: Your face should be on gay money.
- Alan Harper: You need to keep in mind that it's not like the old days. I am a guest here.
- Jake Harper: You mean like the old days when you were a guest here?
- Alan Harper: I was not a guest.
- Jake Harper: Right, 'cause guests eventually leave.
- Alan Harper: Charlie was my brother. He loved having me here.
- Jake Harper: Wow, 'denial' isn't just a river in South America.
- Alan Harper: Africa.
- Jake Harper: What about it?