Bradley Cooper: Phil

The Hangover Part III

Phil

Phil: [Struggling to climb down a rope off the roof of Caesar's Palace] Agh. I'm okay.
Alan: Hey, Phil!
Phil: What's wrong?
Alan: Hold on a second.
[Gets out phone to take a picture]
Alan: Kick yourself out a little bit.
Phil: Alan...
Alan: Stay still!
Phil: Alan!... Did you get it?

Phil: Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.
Alan: Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.
Phil: Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.
Stu: No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.
Alan: Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

Alan: You know what, guys. You can go ahead without me. There's something I need to do.
Stu: Do you even know how to get home?
Alan: Of course I do. I'm a grown man. I'll ask a stranger.
Phil: Good luck, Alan. We'll see you soon.

Marshall: Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
Phil: But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!
Marshall: Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
Alan: Can you take Stu instead?
Stu: Fuck you, Alan!

[Marshall brings Stu, Phil, and Alan to his villa]
Marshall: Leslie Chow never lived here. You didn't break into his old house, you broke into MY house.
Phil: I don't understand.
Marshall: You didn't get back the gold he stole from me. You got the other half that he didn't.
Stu: Oh, my GOD!
Phil: You mean the half he never had?
Marshall: He's a world-class rat, and you 3 were his accomplices.
Stu: We had no idea!
Phil: We were trying to help you! We thought you'd be happy!
Marshall: [sarcastically] Thank you so much! Thank you for ripping me off! Thank you for desecrating my home! And THANK YOU FOR KILLING MY FUCKING DOGS!
Stu: We didn't kill your dogs! They're just tranquilized.
Marshall: Oh, right. You don't know. Chow snapped their necks on his way out.
Stu: What?
Black Doug: And somebody's gotta pay.
Marshall: He's right.
[points his gun at the Dougs]
Doug: No no no no, NO!
[Marshall shoots Black Doug and his body splashes into the pool]
Marshall: My head of security, couldn't stop 3 fuck-ups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters. Unreal.

Alan: She's my soulmate and my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.
Phil: Oh my God.
Doug: Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again.
Alan: Chillax, Doug. We're all adults here. I know you mount my sister. I've seen it. Many times.

Phil: I was just talking to Cassie. She's an amazing woman.
Alan: Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman. I find her much better than your wives.

Phil: [to Alan while driving the Wolf Pack to Arizona] You know I meant to tell you earlier. That's a very cool vest you got on.
Alan: Thanks Phil it was my Dad's. He died in it.
Stu: Whoa! That's intense!

Alan: [sees Black Doug] Hey, you're Black Doug! That's Black Doug!
Black Doug: Shut the fuck up with that. Shut the fuck up.
Stu: Oh my God. It is. Alan, tell me right now why is Black Doug kidnapping us?
Black Doug: I said don't call me that shit no more! It ain't Alan's fault.
Alan: Thank you, Black Doug.
Black Doug: Ooh! Mother fuck...! I will... Fucker!
Alan, Phil: Doug! Okay, okay. Just Doug, okay?
Phil: Why are you doing this?
Marshall: Because
[pauses]
Marshall: I told him to. I'm Marshall. And whether you know it or not, we all have something in common, and it all started four years ago, when this moron sold the wrong drugs to this dumb fuck.
[to Alan]
Marshall: You have no idea the chain of events that were set in motion that night. In the parking lot of a fucking liquor store.