Zach Galifianakis: Alan

The Hangover Part III

Alan

Alan: Nothing worse than losing your phone.
Stu: You just saw a man get murdered. Your brother-in-law is kidnapped. You sure there's nothing worse?

Phil: [Struggling to climb down a rope off the roof of Caesar's Palace] Agh. I'm okay.
Alan: Hey, Phil!
Phil: What's wrong?
Alan: Hold on a second.
[Gets out phone to take a picture]
Alan: Kick yourself out a little bit.
Phil: Alan...
Alan: Stay still!
Phil: Alan!... Did you get it?

Phil: Damn it! I left my phone in the Minivan.
Alan: Oh Phil, I have that find my phone app.
Phil: Alan, we have bigger problems than that at the moment.
Stu: No wait. If Chow has the minivan and your phone is in the minivan that means your phone is with Chow.
Alan: Stu, you heard Phil. We have bigger problems than that.

Alan: You don't get it Stu. You. Just. Don't. Get It. I have over 60 apps on that phone. Do you know how much time and manhours it would take to redownload those apps?

Mr. Chow: Hey Chubster, I'll call you in a week. We'll get together.
Alan: No, Leslie. We can't be friends anymore.
Mr. Chow: What?
Alan: You're not good for me. It's not healthy.
Mr. Chow: Alan, you're not thinking straight. Lets just talk tomorrow.
Alan: Leslie, you're one of the coolest and nicest guys I've ever met. And you're smart. And you're funny. And everybody loves you.
Mr. Chow: Alan, what is this?
Alan: It's just that when we get together bad things happen and people get hurt.
Mr. Chow: Yeah, that's the point. It's funny.
Alan: Well, I got to make some changes in my life, and this is one of them. I'm sorry.
Alan: Farewell, Leslie Chow.

Alan: You know what, guys. You can go ahead without me. There's something I need to do.
Stu: Do you even know how to get home?
Alan: Of course I do. I'm a grown man. I'll ask a stranger.
Phil: Good luck, Alan. We'll see you soon.

Marshall: Doug is my insurance. He stays with me. You don't get me Chow, I blow his brains out. You go to the cops, I blow his brains out.
Phil: But, that's insane! We don't even know where the fuck he is!
Marshall: Nobody does, but I figure the Wolf Pack has the best chance of finding him. You have three days. Get to work.
Alan: Can you take Stu instead?
Stu: Fuck you, Alan!

Sid: [on the phone] Yes, sir. Absolutely, I will. Thank you so much. No, of course. No no and again, I'm so sorry.
[hangs up the phone and sits down with Alan]
Sid: That was the mayor, Alan.
Alan: It was an accident.
[pause]
Alan: You'd said you'd always love me no matter what I did.
Sid: I know and I do. You're my best friend, but Alan, why would you buy a giraffe?
Alan: I always wanted one. I can feed him from my treehouse. Besides, they remind me a lot of myself.
Sid: In what way?
Alan: They're majestic, pensive, and tall.
Sid: Pensive.
Alan: Yeah!
Sid: Where'd you learn that word?
Alan: Words with Friends.
Sid: What friends, Alan?
Alan: You can set it on random.
Sid: [sighs] Alan, aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway, you murdered a wild animal. It's national news. You don't wanna know the cheques I had to write to fix this.
Alan: Oh please, we're rich!
Sid: We are not anything, Alan. I am well-off. You are my 40-year-old son...
Alan: I'M 42!
Sid: 40...
Alan: I'M 42!
Sid: 42-year-old son who still lives at home. You are to go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off.
Alan: You're bluffing. When's dinner?
Sid: Your mother and I can't take this any more!
Alan: Oh, you might have to.
Sid: I can't do it! I cannot do this!
[Alan puts on Dre Beats, listening to "My Life" by Billy Joel, as his father has a heart and his mother and nanny panics]
Linda: ALAN! ALAN!

Alan: She's my soulmate and my new best friend. Plus, she lets me mount her, which relaxes me.
Phil: Oh my God.
Doug: Uh, Alan, maybe never say that part again.
Alan: Chillax, Doug. We're all adults here. I know you mount my sister. I've seen it. Many times.

Stu: You just saw a man get murdered, your brother in law is kidnapped. Are you sure there is nothing worse?
Alan: You don't get it Stu. You just don't get it do you? I have over 60 apps on that phone! What if I lost my phone? Do you know how much time and man hours it would take to redownload those apps?
Stu: [Sarcastically] You are right. I didn't think about that, thank you.

Alan: [delivering a eulogy] I can't believe my daddy is dead. I can think of so many people I would rather have died first, like my mother.