Simon Farnaby credited as playing...
Various
- Grim Reaper: [to the skeleton on his left] I've hated foreigners ever since. Especially the French!
- [looks at his list]
- Grim Reaper: Next!
- [Molière enters]
- Grim Reaper: Name?
- Molière: Molière. French actor and playwright
- Grim Reaper: [to the skeleton on his right] It's not my day, is it?
- Sir Robert Walpole: Your Majesty, I bring grave news I'm afraid. The company we set up to profit from slave trading in South America has it seems been promising rather more than it can deliver. Without firm action, this crisis could well spell the end for both of us.
- King George I: Er, was ist das?
- [Walpole sighs]
- Sir Robert Walpole: [Loudly] Your English seems to have got worse again, Your Majesty.
- King George I: Er, was?
- Sir Robert Walpole: [Loudly] Have you been back over to Germany again?
- King George I: Ja, ja. Ja. Ich liebe Deutschland, ja.
- Sir Robert Walpole: Yes, I know you love Germany. Some would say that for an English king, you spend rather too much time there.
- King George I: Was?
- Sir Robert Walpole: Er, nothing.
- [Loudly]
- Sir Robert Walpole: We have a bit of a *crisis*.
- [Mimes biting his nails]
- King George I: [Imitating Walpole] Ja, ja?
- Sir Robert Walpole: [Loudly, with hand gestures] I'd like to help *solve*... the *crisis*, but I don't have enough... *power*.
- [Raises his fists above his head]
- King George I: [Uncertainly] Ja, ja?
- Sir Robert Walpole: Do you understand me, or are you just repeating the word 'Yes' in German?
- King George I: [Nods] Ja, ja.
- Andrea: [Bagpipe music playing in the background] Well, today's programme features a number of traditional Highland Games pursuits. There's the running race, the lifting a heavy stone competition and throwing a hammer. Preferably in the direction of the bagpipe player.
- [a whooshing sound, followed by a cry of pain and the bagpipe music stops]
- Andrea: Oops. Feel a bit bad about... saying that now. Anyhoo, there's one particular event that caught my attention, and I have the winner here with me now. Jamie, congratulations.
- Jamie: Thanks, Andrea!
- Andrea: So, you won the bizarrely named 'Twisting the cow' competition. Can you tell us exactly what that involves?
- Jamie: Well, Andrea. It involves twisting the four legs off a cow.
- [Holds up one of the legs]
- Andrea: A... a *dead* cow?
- Jamie: Aye, a *dead* cow - we're not animals!
- [Takes a bite out of the leg]
- Andrea: And can you tell us exactly how you made it through to today's final?
- Jamie: Well, I put in a lot of hard work, but I mostly did it on the *hoof*.
- [Points to the hoof of the leg and laughs]
- Jamie: On the *hoof*!
- [laughs]
- Andrea: I imagine twisting the leg off a cow is pretty difficult. Do you get many injuries?
- Jamie: Well, I did tear a calf muscle during my warm up. But I've never been injured myself!
- [laughs and points to the leg]