Michael Keaton: Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice Beetlejuice

Beetlejuice

Richard: [he, Lydia and Astrid see Jeremy at the Immigration kiosk] Don't stamp that passport!
[the passport gets stamped]
Jeremy: [sees them, smiles triumphantly] You're too late, man.
Beetlejuice: [revealed as the official] I think it was Dostoevsky who said...
[Jeremy sees that his passport reads Shit Out of Luck underneath his photo]
Beetlejuice: ... Later, fucker!
[without warning, Beetlejuice pulls the lever, Jeremy falls down the trapdoor and screams violently in the burning flames of hell]
Beetlejuice: Ha, ha! Next!

Lydia Deetz: I need you to help me save my daughter. But how do I know that you're going to keep your word?
Beetlejuice: [crosses himself] I swear on my dead mother's soul.
[bursts into flame]

Beetlejuice: You know, Bob, long distance relationships can be difficult, especially when one of you is dead and the other is ignoring you for thirty years. But Lydia and I, we have definite psychic connection, and I'll tell you something, she definitely saw me that last time. I felt a little tingle.

[Bob the shrinker taps on his shoulder when he's looking at a picture of Lydia]
Beetlejuice: Jesus, Bob. Can't can't you see I'm concentrating here? You know, Bob, long distance relationships can be difficult. Especially when one of you is dead and the others ignoring you for 30 years. But Lydia and I, we have a definite psychic connection. And I'll tell ya somethin', she definitely saw me that last time. I felt a little tingle. Sell him the honeymoon package. I'll kill the new husband, and I'll possess the ex-wife. I'll make her do some unseemly things, and then I'll post the pics. I'm needed upstairs. Bob, hold down the fort.

Wolf Jackson: Wolf Jackson, Afterlife Crime Unit.
Beetlejuice: Let me take a wild stab. Actor.
Wolf Jackson: Not just any actor. I've done it all. For six movies and a reboot, I became Frank Hardballer. Doing my own stunts was non-negotiable. You know why?
Jackson's Secretary: [handing him his coffee] Authenticity.
Wolf Jackson: Correct. A vice cop doesn't get to a perp's door and then call for some hambone stuntman to break it down. Neither did I. You gotta keep it real.
Beetlejuice: Looks like you got a little too real there, bud.
Wolf Jackson: Who knew it was a live grenade? Your name came up on this case I'm investigating.
[He shows him a picture of Delores and he freaks out]
Wolf Jackson: Recognize this puss?
Beetlejuice: Never seen that chick before in my life. Or afterlife.
Wolf Jackson: Any idea why my suspect wrote your name in this schmo's goo?
Beetlejuice: Uh... Hard to say, Wolf, but could be a super fan. You know, guys like you and me we drive the gals crazy.
Wolf Jackson: She collected all her body parts. My hunch is she's out for revenge. And you seem to be numero uno on her hit list.
Beetlejuice: Well, wouldn't be the first woman who wanted to kill me. And kinda hard to kill a dead guy.
Wolf Jackson: This gal can. She's a soul sucker.
Beetlejuice: Oh, yeah, you could say that again.
Wolf Jackson: My advice, lay low. She gets her hands on you and your dead-dead. And there's no coming back from that, Mr Juice.
Beetlejuice: Roger that.

Rory: [after Beetlejuice crashed the wedding, confused] Lydia, what's going on here?
[Lydia goes speechless trying to explain]
Beetlejuice: [throws the handbook down, knowingly] Wow. Awkward.
[he goes up to Rory]
Beetlejuice: You haven't made much progress since our last session, so I'm going to suggest some drug therapy.
[he injects Truth Serum in Rory's neck with a syringe, Rory groans from it]
Beetlejuice: Don't be afraid to share. When you're ready.
[Rory turns to Lydia taking deep breaths]
Rory: [in difficulty] I always thought your whole act was bullshit.
[Lydia and Astrid go bewildered]
Rory: I never believed in ghosts, spirits, or any of it!
Lydia Deetz: What? All this time? Why the hell did you want to get married?
Rory: MONEY!
[all the guests and Lydia go shocked, Astrid seems amused by this]
Rory: [still in difficulty] I knew I could make more as your husband than I could as your manager. Ugh... And I never had a dead fiancée. I just went to that survivor's retreat so that I could meet weak women and exploit them! Uh, and I hit the codependent lottery when I met you!
[Lydia goes furiously insulted]
Beetlejuice: How about a little physical therapy?
[Lydia is given a black and white striped boxing glove, Lydia then angrily punches Rory send him flying across the aisle with everyone watching and recording on their iPhones]