No Tell Motel

I must admit that the poster/cover for "No Tell Motel" did catch my attention and it was what made me sit down to watch it. Although now I really wish I hadn't. This movie was a complete waste of time in my opinion.

The story is not really particularly great, and it lacks appeal and lacks the ability to captivate the audience. The story seems to be forced together by odd bits and pieces, mixed together with a ghostly little girl. The storyline is somewhat skittish and jumpy, which doesn't really work out to anyone's favor.

As for the characters, well I will say that they were one-dimensional and lacking personality and any kind of magnetism to make you really care about them. They are too generic and shallow, which makes you just shrug on the shoulders whenever something happens to them in the movie. I am sure that the various actors and actresses are good enough on their own accounts, but the characters they had to work with in this movie did them no justice.

Scary moments? Well you have to look long and far for them in this movie, because there weren't any. And as a matter of fact, there were even close to nothing thrilling in the movie as well. "No Tell Motel" is a fairly tame experience for a horror movie, and there are far better ghost movies out there for your viewing pleasure.

"No Tell Motel" was somewhat of a struggle to get through, and more than once I found my attention drifting else where and my eyelids growing surprisingly heavy. This is not really worth the time or effort, unless you have absolutely nothing else to watch, or if you are a hardcore fan of someone on the cast list.

How do you spell out that sound where you draw in air through your teeth as if you're looking at something that hurts? Ffffff? Because that's kind of the title I was looking for for this review.

Yes, I did think it was that horrible. This was the sort of movie where, after I was done watching, I was pretty sure that I'd just seen the worst movie out of all the ones I've ever seen (that's probably overstating it, but as I seem to have actually blocked out any worse movies from my memory to live in peaceful ignorance, it's all I've got). It's definitely in my 'Top 3 Worst Movies' and it's the 'So bad it's horrible' kind.

So, what was wrong with it?

Well, for one, this was pretty generic both in the way it starts out and the ideas behind it - 'ideas' because this seems to be two generic horror plots mashed together to form one big pile of generic-feeling goo. Generically. Blending ideas can provide exciting new twists and improve the product but not for this bad boy.

For two, it seemed to have trouble finding it's angle. It wasn't really a super slashy flick, it wasn't psychological, it wasn't really anything - just 'blah' (though, on a related note, it seemed the characters didn't have the same problem of finding a type - they were all the classic stereotypes).

Three: THE ACTING. Dear Universe, it was so bad that even I could tell it was bad - and that's how you KNOW you're in trouble.

And lastly, the script. It wasn't a good script, don't let anybody fool you. Some of the things the characters say just baffled me throughout it - whether it was super-over-expositioning something or saying something that just really didn't seem like it fit in the movie at all. Just bad.

Really, a rating of 3< is REALLY generous for this movie.

Getting stranded at a roadside motel, a group of friends find themselves trapped in the area by a gang of ghosts looking to change the fortunes of how they died and must find a way of stopping it from happening.

This is an overall run-of-the-mill ghost film that really doesn't offer too much one way or another about providing good parts or bad. The fact that the whole film barely offers up any kind of rational explanation for what's going on really mar this one because it's the one that does the most damage to what's going on here. The brief running time, itself a problem on numerous levels, never gives us a change to get fully invested in anything or even a chance to develop any sort of coherent storyline between what's happening and who these people are that have stumbled onto the secret, haunted location. It's only in the final, closing minutes that something resembling an explanation is offered for why everything's going on and it's tacky, hokey and completely unrealistic in many ways, offering one of the wackiest and most nonsensical explanations ever for what kind of haunting story this really is. The fact that there's so little time to work through things and just spends so much time on them wandering around the hotel itself in their own little groups with their own problems is somewhat boring and infuriating to sit through, and all of these go right back to the film never offering up a lot of explanations about what's going on in here. There's some bright spots, though, with the fact that the opening explanation for why the particular locale is haunted does make some rather chilling moments than what would be expected in such a film as this, and it leads into the explanation rather nicely as it is. As well, there's a few rather intense scares throughout this one as the hauntings come at quite unexpected times and allow for a few chilling surprises to come out. While not entirely flawed, this one does have enough to lower it from it's supposed strengths.

Rated R: Graphic Violence, Graphic Language, children-in-jeopardy, heavy drug use and Rape.

There's a line in one of my favourite films called Ratatouille (though I feel I'm soiling it by even bringing it up here) that tells us Anyone Can Cook... even a rodent. Well, anyone can make a horror film... even an idiot. But that doesn't mean they should. Especially one devoid of scares, where the dumb people barely react when their 'friends' bite the bullet, and when the 'twist' is like, the stupidest thing EVER in the history of mankind. And yes, we all know little girls who just stand there staring at you saying nothing, are naturally creepy, but overuse this formula and you're liable to be accused of lacking ideas. The dude behind the camera here hasn't got an original thought in his noggin.

It's not big, it's not clever and it certainly isn't the least bit enjoyable. F's all round, and back to film school for you, Mr Wannabe. Sometimes, I think it would be easier to teach a cat to fetch than make a decent scary movie... 3/1

"No Tell Motel" was an average horror flick. It starts out with the establishment of the urban legend ghost girl in a motel. A group of friends are traveling through the area when they have an accident flipping their RV. With no help in site, they are forced to inhabit a creepy abandoned hotel for the night. As ghostly accidents ensue, and the crazy back story pieces itself together, it will keep your interest. It just doesn't capture a level of skillful suspense, but does bring forth some unsettling elements. The young actress who portrayed the ghost was very good. Come into this with low expectations, and you may be entertained by it short running time of 1 hour and 23 minutes.