Joel McHale credited as playing...
Jeff Winger
- Jeff Winger: Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
- Abed Nadir: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
- Jeff Winger: [incredulous] Of course I am, Abed.
- Abed Nadir: Tonight we offer something far more than boobs and billiards.
- Jeff Winger: What?
- Troy Barnes: One word, two syllables.
- Jeff Winger: Don't say charades.
- Abed Nadir, Troy Barnes: Yahtzee!
- Jeff Winger: Is charades off the table?
- [pulls cork from bottle of Serbian rum]
- Troy Barnes: [shakes dice in cup] Come on. And...
- [rolls dice]
- Troy Barnes: Okay. Now... "How to play Yahtzee."
- Jeff Winger: Abed, Shirley just had a nervous breakdown!
- Pierce Hawthorne: More like a nervous...
- Jeff Winger: -bakedown! I know, I didn't say it on purpose! And Abed, there are no other timelines!
- Jeff Winger: You enjoy; I'll be leaving early.
- Abed Nadir: Oh?
- Jeff Winger: Yeah, sorry. I got an invite to the opening of a new club.
- [Shows a 3x5 card]
- Jeff Winger: Look at this place. It's like it was *designed* for me.
- Abed Nadir: It was. I made that in Photoshop and mailed it to you a month ago so you'd keep tonight open on your calendar.
- Jeff Winger: [Shocked] There's no such thing as the "Single Malt Platinum Boobs and Billiards Club"?
- [Hears how it sounds]
- Jeff Winger: I guess I never said it out loud.
- Jeff Winger: [doorbell buzzes]
- [groans]
- Jeff Winger: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
- Abed Nadir: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
- Jeff Winger: Of course I am, Abed.
- [swelling dramatic music]
- Abed Nadir: [Abed grabs the die before it lands] I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
- Britta Perry: Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!
- Abed Nadir: Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pearce will never apologize. Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
- [everybody gasps]
- Shirley Bennett: Abed!
- Abed Nadir: There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
- [Jeff smugly chuckles]
- Shirley Bennett: Jeff! Really?
- Troy Barnes: Dang, man.
- Annie Edison: You crafty jackrabbit.
- Britta Perry: Asshole.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Pretty low, dude. It's called friendship, look it up. Encarta it.
- Troy Barnes: I think we just found our pizza-getter.
- Abed Nadir, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorne: Yes, we did!
- [general agreement]
- Jeff Winger: Oh, like it matters who goes.
- [Jeff rises from his seat and is hit in the head by the ceiling fan]
- Jeff Winger: Ow!
- [all laugh]
- Jeff Winger: What's so funny?
- Annie Edison: Karma.
- Jeff Winger: [Regarding Abed's model of the rolling boulder scene from "Raiders of the Lost Ark"] Hey, look. Indiana Jones and the Apartment of Perpetual Virginity.
- Jeff Winger: [Jeff rolls the dice] Three. One, two, three-- Pierce.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Crap. Speaking of crap, I was taking one in an airplane bathroom when Eartha Kitt decided to bang me.
- [All groaning]
- Pierce Hawthorne: What? It's where my mind went.
- Jeff Winger: Your mind went years ago.
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, no, what happened?
- Annie Edison: Minor head wound. If there's an abrasion, we'll clean it with iodine and apply ice.
- Jeff Winger: You make a good nurse.
- Annie Edison: Thanks.
- Shirley Bennett: Dr. Shirley says mini pies are the best medicine.
- Jeff Winger: Then I'd like to see her degree!
- Abed Nadir: Just so you know Jeff, you're now creating six different timelines.
- Jeff Winger: Of course I am, Abed..