Yvette Nicole Brown credited as playing...
Shirley Bennett
- Jeff Winger: [doorbell buzzes]
- [groans]
- Jeff Winger: Okay. Starting on my left with one, your number comes up, you go.
- Abed Nadir: Just so you know, Jeff, you are now creating six different timelines.
- Jeff Winger: Of course I am, Abed.
- [swelling dramatic music]
- Abed Nadir: [Abed grabs the die before it lands] I don't think you should. Chaos already dominates enough of our lives. The universe is an endless raging sea of randomness. Our job isn't to fight it, but to weather it together, on the raft of life. A raft held together by those few, rare, beautiful things that we know to be predictable.
- Britta Perry: Ropes. Vines. Vines? Let him finish!
- Abed Nadir: Us. It won't matter what happens to us as long as we stay honest and accepting of each other's flaws and virtues. Annie will always be driven. Shirley will always be giving. Pearce will never apologize. Britta's sort of a wildcard from my perspective. And Jeff will forever remain a conniving son of a bitch.
- [everybody gasps]
- Shirley Bennett: Abed!
- Abed Nadir: There's 6 sides to this die, and 7 of us. He devised a system by which he never has to get the pizza.
- [Jeff smugly chuckles]
- Shirley Bennett: Jeff! Really?
- Troy Barnes: Dang, man.
- Annie Edison: You crafty jackrabbit.
- Britta Perry: Asshole.
- Pierce Hawthorne: Pretty low, dude. It's called friendship, look it up. Encarta it.
- Troy Barnes: I think we just found our pizza-getter.
- Abed Nadir, Britta Perry, Shirley Bennett, Annie Edison, Pierce Hawthorne: Yes, we did!
- [general agreement]
- Jeff Winger: Oh, like it matters who goes.
- [Jeff rises from his seat and is hit in the head by the ceiling fan]
- Jeff Winger: Ow!
- [all laugh]
- Jeff Winger: What's so funny?
- Annie Edison: Karma.
- Shirley Bennett: I can't believe I'm giving pies to a drug addict!
- Britta Perry: Drug addict? You're a pie pusher! You push pies to get love!
- Shirley Bennett: Oh, no, what happened?
- Annie Edison: Minor head wound. If there's an abrasion, we'll clean it with iodine and apply ice.
- Jeff Winger: You make a good nurse.
- Annie Edison: Thanks.
- Shirley Bennett: Dr. Shirley says mini pies are the best medicine.
- Jeff Winger: Then I'd like to see her degree!