Amber Heard credited as playing...
Miss San Antonio
- Luz: I knew I smelt bitch in the air tonight!
- Miss San Antonio: Payback's the only bitch you need to worry about! This dress costs more than your FUCKING LIFE!
- Luz: Didn't anybody ever tell you not to wear a dress to a gunfight?
- Miss San Antonio: Oh, baby, I always dress to the nines.
- Luz: I dress to kill.
- Machete: [Looking to a wall of weapons] What happen to the world peace?
- Miss San Antonio: Fuck world peace.
- Miss San Antonio: Watch it now Pussycat. That's not a very ladylike kinda thing to say.
- Luz: I don't do ladylike.
- Miss San Antonio: So what then, you're just a regular old cranky bitch? Or is it PMS?
- Luz: If it were PMS, you'd be dead already.
- Machete: Good luck on that pageant.
- Miss San Antonio: I'm gonna need a lot more than luck! Did you see the ass of Miss Corpus Christi?
- Miss San Antonio: Try not to be distracted by the cleavage and the hairspray. That's part of my cover.
- Miss San Antonio: Really? You're gonna make me kill a blind chick? I'm pretty sure they're gonna take my crown for that.
- Luz: That's all right. They'll just give it to the next bimbo who spreads like butter.
- Mr. President: Machete, what's this I hear about you having Mendez in custody?
- Machete: Things got complicated.
- Mr. President: No shit! You were supposed to take him out, not give him a joyride on the Good Ship Lollypop! Damn it, I didn't recruit you for your sense of compassion. Machete kills. That's what he does! He doesn't save the bad guys! Now shoot that motherfucker!
- Machete: If he dies, you die. The missile is wired to his heart.
- Mr. President: Come again?
- Miss San Antonio: Machete, can it be disarmed?
- Machete: Only where it was made. VozTech.
- Mr. President: VozTech is the biggest weapons supplier to our military! You want to bring him all the way back to the fucking manufacturer?
- Machete: I need your help getting him across the border. This is a part of something big. I can feel it.
- Mr. President: Last time I sent a black op team into Mexico, they got dead and I got the Oval ass-fuck.
- Miss San Antonio: For crying out loud, will one of you well-paid, well-trained gentlemen please shoot that motherfucker!
- Miss San Antonio: The M4 carbine long-range. It's got reflex sights, micro-polymer grip, a customized trigger. Fast enough to nip a jackrabbit on roller skates. That is, of course, you happen to come across a jackrabbit on roller skates.