Martin Freeman credited as playing...
Dr. John Watson
- Dr. John Watson: Well, I've got some news.
- Mrs. Hudson: Oh, God, is it serious?
- Dr. John Watson: What? No, no I'm not ill. I've, uh, well I'm... moving on.
- Mrs. Hudson: You're emigrating?
- Dr. John Watson: Nope. Uh, no, I've, uh... I have met someone.
- Mrs. Hudson: Oh! Ah, lovely.
- Dr. John Watson: Yeah. We're getting married. Well, I'm going to ask, anyway.
- Mrs. Hudson: So soon after Sherlock?
- Dr. John Watson: Hmm, well, yes.
- Mrs. Hudson: What's his name?
- Dr. John Watson: [sighs] It's a woman.
- Mrs. Hudson: A woman?
- Dr. John Watson: Yes, of course it's a woman.
- Mrs. Hudson: [laughs quietly] You really have moved on, haven't you?
- Dr. John Watson: Mrs. Hudson, how many times?... Sherlock was not my boyfriend.
- Mrs. Hudson: Live and let live, that's my motto.
- Dr. John Watson: Listen to me. *I am not gay*!
- Dr. John Watson: I'm definitely going to kill you.
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, please. Killing me, that's so two years ago.
- Dr. John Watson: [seeing a couple scooted from the room] Clients?
- Sherlock Holmes: Just my parents.
- Dr. John Watson: Your parents?
- Sherlock Holmes: In town for a few days.
- Dr. John Watson: *Your* parents?
- Sherlock Holmes: Mycroft promised to take them to a matinee of Les Mis. Tried to talk me into doing it.
- Dr. John Watson: Those were your parents?
- Sherlock Holmes: Yes.
- Dr. John Watson: Well. *That* is not what I...
- Sherlock Holmes: What?
- Dr. John Watson: I-I mean, they're... just... so... ordinary.
- Sherlock Holmes: It's a cross I have to bear.
- Mary Morstan: God, I had six months of bristly kisses for me and then His Nibbs turns up.
- Dr. John Watson: I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes.
- Mary Morstan: [sighs] Oh, you should put that on a T-shirt.
- Dr. John Watson: Mind palace!
- Sherlock Holmes: Hmm?
- Dr. John Watson: Use your mind palace!
- Sherlock Holmes: How will that help?
- Dr. John Watson: You've salted away every fact under the sun!
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, what, and you think I've just got "how to defuse a bomb" tucked away in there somewhere?
- Dr. John Watson: *Yes*!
- Sherlock Holmes: ...maybe.
- Mrs. Hudson: Oh, I'm really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date?
- Mary Morstan: Uh, well, we thought May.
- Mrs. Hudson: Ah, a spring wedding.
- Mary Morstan: Yeah. Well, once we've actually got engaged.
- Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
- Mary Morstan: We were interrupted last time.
- Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
- DI Lestrade: Well, I can't wait.
- Mary Morstan: You will be there, Sherlock?
- Sherlock Holmes: Weddings - not really my thing.
- Dr. John Watson: I wanted you not to be dead!
- Sherlock Holmes: Yeah, well, be careful what you wish for.
- Dr. John Watson: You'd have to be an idiot not to see it. You love it.
- Sherlock Holmes: Love what?
- Dr. John Watson: Being Sherlock Holmes.
- Sherlock Holmes: I don't even know what that's supposed to mean.
- Dr. John Watson: One word, Sherlock, that is *all* I would have needed! One word to let me know that you were alive!
- Sherlock Holmes: I've nearly been in contact so many times, but... I worried that, you know, you might say something indiscreet.
- Dr. John Watson: What?
- Sherlock Holmes: Oh, you know, let the cat out of the bag.
- Dr. John Watson: Oh, so this is *my* fault?
- Mary Morstan: [Mary starts laughing] Oh, God.
- Dr. John Watson: Why am I the only one who thinks that this is wrong? The only one reacting like a human being.
- Sherlock Holmes: Overreacting.
- Dr. John Watson: [Yelling] Overreacting!
- Mary Morstan: John!
- Dr. John Watson: Overreacting! So you fake your own death and you waltz in here, large as bloody life, but I'm not supposed to have a problem with that, no, because Sherlock Holmes thinks it's a perfectly okay thing to do!
- Sherlock Holmes: Shut up, John! I don't want everyone knowing I'm still alive!
- Dr. John Watson: Oh, so it's still a secret, is it?
- Sherlock Holmes: Yes, it's still a secret.
- [looks around the crowded shop they are in]
- Sherlock Holmes: Promise you won't tell anyone.
- Dr. John Watson: Swear to God!
- Dr. John Watson: [with a time bomb ticking] So what do we do?
- Sherlock Holmes: I've no idea.
- Dr. John Watson: Well, think of something.
- Sherlock Holmes: Why do you think I know what to do?
- Dr. John Watson: Because you're Sherlock Holmes, you're as clever as it gets.
- Sherlock Holmes: It doesn't mean I know how to diffuse a giant bomb. What about you?
- Dr. John Watson: I wasn't in bomb disposal, I'm a bloody doctor.
- Sherlock Holmes: And a soldier, as you keep reminding us all.
- Dr. John Watson: Can't-Can't we... rip their timer off or something?
- Sherlock Holmes: But that would set it off.
- Dr. John Watson: You see? You know things!
- Dr. John Watson: [furious] Two years... Two years! Hmm... I thought. Mm... I thought... you were dead. Hmm?... Now, you let me grieve. Hmm?... How could you do that?... How?
- Sherlock Holmes: Wait, before you do anything that you might regret, um, one question, just let me ask one question...
- [laughing at John's moustache]
- Sherlock Holmes: Are you really gonna keep that?
- Mrs. Hudson: Sherlock?
- Sherlock Holmes: Mm?
- Mrs. Hudson: Talk to John.
- Sherlock Holmes: I tried talking to him. He made his position quite clear.
- Dr. John Watson: [John is in his office examining a patient with an undescended testicle. He lifts a middle finger] Just relax, Mr Summerson.
- Mrs. Hudson: What did he say?
- Sherlock Holmes: F...
- Dr. John Watson: [feeling his patient's testicles] Cough.
- Mrs. Hudson: Oh, dear.
- Sherlock Holmes: I calculated that there were thirteen possibilities once I'd invited Moriarty onto the roof. I wanted to avoid dying, if at all possible. The first scenario involved hurling myself into a parked hospital van filled with washing bags. Impossible, the angle was too steep. Secondly, a system of Japanese wrestling...
- Dr. John Watson: You know, for a genius, you can be remarkably thick.
- Sherlock Holmes: What?
- Dr. John Watson: I don't care *how* you faked it, Sherlock. I want to know *why*.
- Sherlock Holmes: No, I prefer my doctors clean-shaven.
- Dr. John Watson: That's not a sentence you hear every day.
- [discussing John's mustache]
- Mrs. Hudson: ages you.
- Dr. John Watson: Just trying it out.
- Mrs. Hudson: Well, it ages you.
- Sherlock Holmes: Moran didn't disappear. The entire Tube compartment did. The driver must have diverted the train and then detached the last carriage.
- Dr. John Watson: Detached it where? You said there was nothing between those stations.
- Sherlock Holmes: Not on the maps, but once you eliminate all the other factors, the only thing remaining must be the truth. That carriage vanished, so it must be somewhere.
- [having stopped John from calling the police]
- Sherlock Holmes: They'll get in the way, they always do. This is cleaner, more efficient.
- [pulls out a pry-bar and opens a locked gate]
- Dr. John Watson: And illegal.
- Sherlock Holmes: A bit.