Mark Gatiss: Mycroft Holmes

The Empty Hearse

Mycroft Holmes

Mycroft Holmes: [loses game] Oh, bugger!
Sherlock Holmes: Oopsy. Can't handle a broken heart. How *very* telling.
Mycroft Holmes: Don't be smart.
Sherlock Holmes: That takes me back.
[mocking Mycroft]
Sherlock Holmes: "Don't be smart, Sherlock, I'm the smart one."
Mycroft Holmes: I *am* the smart one.
Sherlock Holmes: I used to think I was an idiot.
Mycroft Holmes: Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on, till we met other children.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, yes, that was a mistake.
Mycroft Holmes: Ghastly. What were they thinking of?
Sherlock Holmes: Probably something about trying to make friends.
Mycroft Holmes: Oh, yes. *Friends*.

Sherlock Holmes: I think... I'll surprise John. He'll be delighted.
Mycroft Holmes: You think so?
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm, pop into Baker Street, who knows, jump out of a cake.
Mycroft Holmes: Baker Street? He isn't there anymore.
[Sherlock turns to face Mycroft with a puzzled look]
Mycroft Holmes: Why would he be? It's been two years. He's got on with his life.
Sherlock Holmes: What life? I've been away.

Torturer: [speaking in Serbian] You broke in here for a reason. Just tell us why and you can sleep. Remember sleep? Huh?... What?
[the captive whispers in his ear]
Mycroft Holmes: [In disguise] Well? What did he say?
Torturer: He said that I used to work in the Navy, where I had an unhappy love affair.
Mycroft Holmes: What?
Torturer: That the electricity isn't working in my bathroom... and that my wife is sleeping with our next door neighbor. The coffin maker... and... if I go home now, I'll catch them at it. I knew it! I knew there was something going on!
[Runs out of the interrogation room]

Mycroft Holmes: If you seem slow to me, Sherlock, can you imagine what real people are like? I'm living in a world of goldfish.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, but I've been away for two years.
Mycroft Holmes: So?
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I don't know. I thought, perhaps, you might have found yourself a... goldfish.

Mycroft Holmes: We have solid information, an attack is coming.
Sherlock Holmes: Solid information, a secret terrorist organization is planning an attack. That's what secret terrorist organizations do, isn't it? It's their version of golf.
Mycroft Holmes: An agent gave his life to tell us that.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, well, perhaps he shouldn't have done. He was obviously just trying to show off.

Mycroft Holmes: [analyzing a hat] This is a Chullo. The classic headgear of the Andes, it's made of Alpaca.
Sherlock Holmes: Nope.
Mycroft Holmes: No?
Sherlock Holmes: Icelandic sheep wool. Similar but very distinctive, if you know what you're looking for. I've written a blog on the varying tensile strengths of different natural fibers.
Mrs. Hudson: I'm sure there's a crying need for that.

Sherlock Holmes: And what about John Watson?
Mycroft Holmes: John?
Sherlock Holmes: Mm. Have you seen him?
Mycroft Holmes: [sarcastically] Oh, yes, we meet up every Friday for fish and chips.

Sherlock Holmes: But you've missed his isolation.
Mycroft Holmes: I don't see it.
Sherlock Holmes: Plain as day.
Mycroft Holmes: Where?
Sherlock Holmes: There for all to see.
Mycroft Holmes: Tell me.
Sherlock Holmes: Plain as the nose...
Mycroft Holmes: Tell me!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, anybody who wears a hat as stupid as this isn't in the habit of hanging around other people, is he?

Sherlock Holmes: I didn't know you spoke Serbian.
Mycroft Holmes: I didn't. But the language has a Slavic root. Frequent Turkish and German loan-words. Took me a couple of hours.
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm, you're slipping.