Joel McHale credited as playing...
Jeff Winger
- Jeff Winger: [voice over] First entry in my stupid journal. Today I had to run and get two imaginary friendship hats from an office. I could have just walked around the corner and then come back, but for some reason I actually went all the way back to where they were supposed to be. One was crumpled up a bit. That was Troy's. The other was a little dusty. That was Abed's. I fixed them up, even though I was the only one watching, because I settled on a truth today that's always going to be true. I would do anything for my friends, which I think is how everyone in the world feels, which finally makes me understand war.
- Annie Edison: [Annie and Jeff narrate text messages to each other] Jeff, heard from one of Troy's troops about a speech you gave at blanket fort. This war could be over. Proud of you for taking a stance. Text message, Annie Edison.
- Jeff Winger: Thank you, Annie. I'm proud of you too. Also wish the nightmare would end, but using what I'm given to help where I can. Jeff Winger.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, just heard from one of Abed's soldiers you gave an identical speech to troops of Pillowtown. WTF? Sad face, special icon of a downward thumb.
- Jeff Winger: Annie. Okay, you caught me. I prefer war to homework. How do you do that little thumb icon? I can't find it on my phone. Winger.
- Annie Edison: Jeff, you're disgusting. Troy and Abed's friendship is at stake! You can buy special icons in packages at the app store. Sushi, birthday cake, stop sign, snowman, umbrella. Annie Edison.
- Jeff Winger: Come on, guys, let's wrap this up.
- Abed Nadir: I don't wanna.
- Troy Barnes: Me neither.
- Jeff Winger: Why not?
- Abed Nadir: This is gonna be the last thing we ever do together.
- Troy Barnes: We can't stop.
- Jeff Winger: Look, doesn't that kinda solve your problem, the realization that you like each other so much you'd hit each other with pillows forever?
- Abed Nadir: Knowing that doesn't feel like enough anymore.
- Troy Barnes: Yeah. We're grown ups now. We have grown up problems.
- Jeff Winger: That's very clear. Unless you use those magical friendship hats that I got for you.
- Troy Barnes: We're not stupid, Jeffrey. We know you made those sarcastically.
- Jeff Winger: Yes, yes. And I will roll my eyes at both of you when I put them on your heads, because that's the way I am. But that's not the way you have to be.
- Abed Nadir: We might be interested.
- Jeff Winger: Okay, then. Here's your magical friendship hats, and...
- Troy Barnes: Jeff.
- Jeff Winger: What?
- Abed Nadir: You left the magical friendship hats at the dean's office.
- Jeff Winger: Right. Of course. I'll go get them.
- Annie Edison: [on tape] So Jeff went out and he stayed out long enough to make them believe he had gone to the office. It was a nice touch.
- Jeff Winger: [back in the scene, with the imaginary hats] Here you go. Lucky no one grabbed them, huh?
- [Troy and Abed use their secret handshake, and all is well]
- Narrator: [voice over] Britta Perry is there to immortalize the moment on film accidentally, while trying to get a moment of the light hitting a stack of nearby waffles.
- Jeff Winger: Why are you ignoring me?
- Annie Edison: What's the point of talking to you? Your words don't mean anything. They're just things you say to get what you want.
- Jeff Winger: Well, that's what conversation is, Annie. People saying things to get stuff.
- Annie Edison: Then maybe you should just shut up. Do you ever just... write stuff down in a journal, Jeff? One you don't show people or use to get anything with? A place that's just for you to... sort out the truth?
- Jeff Winger: If I write stuff down in a Hello Kitty book, will you like me again?
- [Annie rises, sighs and exits]
- Jeff Winger: I'm taking that as yes.
- Dean Pelton: Jeffrey, you have to come mediate Troy and Abed. They look up to you.
- Jeff Winger: What's with the film crew?
- Dean Pelton: Don't worry about that.
- Jeff Winger: Oh, I am worried about that. If there's one thing I've learned at this place, it's that a film crew means disaster.
- Dean Pelton: Okay, they are here to document Greendale's Guinness record, which you are going to make sure we get by talking to Troy and Abed right now.