Deacon: There is no... easy way to put this. There are rumours spreading throughout the Vatican that you are debauched, and corrupt, and not fit to hold the office of Pope.
Pope Alexander VI: I too have heard these rumours. But I can assure you there is absolutely no substance to them. My only desire is to serve the Roman Catholic Church.
[a door opens]
Mistress: Dinner will be ready in five minutes, my podgy little popelet!
Pope Alexander VI: Thank you, sweetpea.
[Mimes kissing]
Pope Alexander VI: Love you.
[the door closes]
Pope Alexander VI: Is there anything else?
Deacon: Um, you do know that popes are not allowed to be married, right?
Pope Alexander VI: [Scoffs] My dear friend, she is not my wife.
Deacon: Oh, thank goodness.
Pope Alexander VI: She is my girlfriend.
Deacon: But she must know that any relationship with a woman is highly inappropriate for a pope? Next you'll be telling me you have children!
[laughs]
Deacon: [a young boy enters with a slate and chalk]
Boy: Daddy, can you help me with my Latin homework?
Pope Alexander VI: Not now, champ. Daddy's got to talk popey business with the nice man. Why don't you run along, OK?
[the boy sighs and leaves]
Deacon: [Shocked] You have a child?
Pope Alexander VI: I don't have 'a child'. I have four. Or is it five? It's so easy to lose count.
