Mike Stoklasa credited as playing...
Plinkett
- [first lines]
- Plinkett: Star Wars: The Phantom Menace was the most disappointing thing since my son. I mean, how much more could you possibly fuck up the entire backstory to Star Wars? And while my son eventually hanged himself in the bathroom of the gas station, the unfortunate reality of the Star Wars prequels is that they'll be around. Forever. They will never go away. It can never be undone.
- Plinkett: If you ask me, Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi should have been combined to form a new character, called Obi-Wan Kenobi.
- George Lucas: [about the Battle Droids] The Jedi cut 'em down like they're butter, and they really are pretty useless.
- Plinkett: Fuck you.
- Rick McCallum: It's so dense. Every single image has so many things going on.
- Plinkett: Fuck you, Rick Berman. You ruined this too? Stop ruining - - hey wait, that ain't Rick Berman. What is it with Ricks?
- George Lucas: [from an interview in 1983] A special effect is a tool, a means of telling a story. People have a tendency to confuse them as an end to themselves. A special effect without a story is a pretty boring thing.
- Plinkett: You said it, brother. Wait, YOU said that?
- Plinkett: [Anakin accidentally starts up a Naboo fighter] Aw, he's accidentally flying the space ship. How cute. I hope he fucking dies.
- Plinkett: If someone under the age of, like, 20 says that his least favorite film is The Empire Strikes Back because it was the most boringest one, then I suggest you shut this review off right now before I carefully explain how much of a fucking idiot you are.
- George Lucas: Again, it's like poetry, so that they rhyme.
- Plinkett: Yes, George, that's true. But the only thing poetic here is that I was vomiting in stanzas. I don't even know what that means.
- Gov. Sio Bibble: A communication disruption can mean only one thing: invasion.
- Plinkett: It can also mean you didn't pay your phone bill.
- Plinkett: Later on, after everybody starts drinking, Lucas attempts to explain his newly-minted bowel movement as "bold" and "extreme", "stylistic."
- George Lucas: It's stylistically designed to be that way and you can't undo that. But we can diminish the effects of it.
- Plinkett: No one looks like they know what's going on and they all look like they're about to start pointing fingers.
- Plinkett: So unless you're the Coen Brothers, David Lynch, Paul Thomas Anderson, Stanley Kubrick, Alfred Hitchcock, Lars von Trier, David Cronenberg, Gus Van Sant, Quentin Tarantino, John Waters, Wes Anderson, Sam Peckinpah, Terry Gilliam, Martin Scorsese, Werner Herzog, or Jim Jarmusch, you really shouldn't stray away too far from this kind of formula. Especially if you're making a movie that's aimed at children that has a cartoon rabbit in it that steps in the poopy.
- Plinkett: Y'know, a guy named William Shakesman once said, "brevity is the soul of wit." This just means don't waste my time. You keep it nice and simple. I said stop wasting my time. Stop it!
- Plinkett: The Phantom Menace is now the greatest example of cinematic blue balls in the history of motion pictures. Never again will anything be more wildly anticipated, or a bigger disappointment.
- Plinkett: Oh and then let's move on to this: what about the idea that Anakin is the one who built C-3PO? This is wrong for so many reasons. I'm gonna list three of them. So the idea is that Anakin built C-3PO to help his mom around the house.
- Anakin Skywalker: He's a protocol droid to help Mom.
- Plinkett: But a protocol droid is typically used for ettiquette and protocol.
- Uncle Owen: You. I suppose you're programmed for etiquette and protocol?
- Plinkett: They're basically like robot diplomats and not very handly technically.
- C-3PO: I am C-3PO, human cyborg relations.
- Plinkett: He says he's human cyborg relations. He doesn't say he cleans dishes. C-3PO is clumsy, awkward and useless, unless you need someone to translate a language.
- C-3PO: [from A New Hope] I'm not much more than an interpreter.
- Plinkett: Plus his arms don't even bend. What the fuck is he supposed to help the mom with? A vacuum would've been a better thing to build, or maybe a vibrator. 'Cause it seems like the only action Shmi was getting was with the force. Hey, maybe that's why they call it "the force." Ha, rape jokes. I love 'em.
- Plinkett: Now I've analyzed this movie with a team of cheerleaders, who all came to one unanimous conclusion: that if I let them go, they won't tell nobody.
- Controller: Sir, they've gone up the ventilation shaft.
- Plinkett: How do you know that? I said, how do you know that? Answer me, thing-in-the-mouth face. What, did you smoke too much? What's wrong with your face?