Amy Poehler: Molly

They Came Together

Molly

Joel: [at dinner party] So, uh, Molly...
Molly: Listen, before you ask me anymore questions from the Icebreaker Handbook, here's the 411: Upper Sweet Side NYC. Does the name ring a bell?
Joel: Yeah. Little candy shop?
Molly: Ding ding ding! Give the man a prize, he's a winner! What does he want Johnny? A new car! Yes, that is my store and I put my whole life into it.
Joel: I had no idea.
Molly: The only line you care about is the bottom line. Are you the kind of person I feel a strong connection to? Yes. Do I find you cute and funny? Yes. Could you be the guy that I fall for and live with forever? Yes, but the point is you're a corporate robot. And so it is with great pleasure that I say to you, go jump in a lake, meathead!
[chucks water in his face and storms off, everyone gasps]
Joel: Molly. Wait, Molly!... Shit.
[awkward silence]
Joel: I'll have what she's having, heh.
Bob: ...You are having what she's having. It's all the same food; the pasta and the beans and the lentils.

Molly: [Frank comes running] Frank?
[turns to Joel]
Molly: Frank, my old boyfriend, remember?
Joel: Right.
Molly: What are you doing here? Where's Mia, the yoga instructor? Thought you two had eloped and gone to Paris.
Frank: She died, so that's over. Marry me, Molly.
Molly: No, Frank, it's too late for that.
Frank: Okay.
[turns around and leaves]

Molly: I'll have a low fat, sugar free banana yogurt muffin. But if they don't have that, I'll have half a poppyseed muffin, if they can take out all the poppyseeds and heat it up.
Joel: Okay.
Molly: Hold on! If they can't heat it up, then leave half the poppyseeds in and sprinkle the other half of the poppyseeds onto half of a blueberry muffin, and then cut both halves in half and throw them both away. In either scenario, I want a lemon chocolate loaf but, this is very important, it must be shrinkwrapped, and more importantly it must smell more like lemon than chocolate. Got it?
Joel: That's how you order a muffin?
Molly: What? I want things the way I want them.

Molly: Umm... forget it.
Joel: What?
Molly: No, I...
Joel: C'mon, tell me.
Molly: Are you hungry?
Joel: Hungry? Try starving.
Molly: Why don't I have you over for dinner? I'll make you my world famous mac and cheese.
Joel: 'K
[smiles and nods]
Molly: I like how you say 'K.
Joel: I like how you say I like how you say 'K.

Karen: That is a crazy story!
Joel: Told ya! It's like a corny romantic comedy.
Kyle: It is. It was such a great beginning, why did you guys decide to get a divorce?
Joel: Well, things got pretty rough after that.
Molly: Roland's promise to keep my store flourishing forever, well, it turned out to be a little bit more complicated than we thought. Long story short, the store is gone.
Joel: And Cup of Joel basically crashed and burned after a week. I mean, it really wasn't anything. And as much as little Tucker loved havin' a new dad around, he was pretty traumatized seein' his real dad get shot in the face by the police.
Molly: The debts started to pile up and I started taking pills to numb the pain.
Joel: And then...
Molly: I started sleeping with Frank again. But enough of our sob stories. The bottom line is, we mutually decided that we were better off as friends than spouses.
Joel: Yeah.

Roger: I want to make a toast. To my beautiful white daughter, Molly.
Pam: Hear, hear.
Joel: [confused look] Wait, what?
Roger: She is beautiful, isn't she, Joel? Skin pure as the driven snow. Completely unmongrelized. Uh... My beautiful Aryan princess, Molly.
Pam: To Molly. Thanks, Mama.
Joel: What the fuck?
Roger: Joel, have you ever thought about how white people should be proud of their heritage, just like other people are?
Joel: No.
Pam: Do you realize because of the race mixers white people are now the minority in this country?
Roger: It's a good point.
Molly: Guys, let's not bore Joel. Justin, how's school?
Joel: [cut to Joel and Molly enters her apartment] How could you not tell me that your parents were white supremacists?
Molly: I didn't think it was important, Joel.
Joel: Not important? Are you kidding? "Oh, hi, Mom. It's me, Joel. Guess what? I'm dating this great girl. Her name's Molly. By the way, she's a Nazi."
Molly: So they're a little eccentric!

Molly: Wanda, I really like this guy Joel, but I just don't know if he's the one. I mean, I wish there was some sort of sign that proved it.
Wanda: How about this? When you meet up with him tonight, change the way you look - just a tiny little bit, but if he notices, then, that's how you'll know he's the one.
Molly: [Muses] Change the way I look and see if he notices. Wanda, thank you, you're the best.
Wanda: You are.
[Molly moves forward and pecks Wanda on the lips. Wanda looks horrified]
Wanda: No.
Molly: Just felt like I was getting a vibe.

Joel: I have a dream, that someday I want to have my own coffee place, A Cup of Joel, you know, as like in cup of joe, but I would say Joel...
Molly: Right.
Joel: ...because everyone knows cup of joe, cup of Joel because my name's Joel.
Molly: Smart.
Joel: So Joel instead of joe.
Molly: I get it.
Joel: Ahh, I don't know, it's probably just wishful thinking, right, it's kind of stupid.
Molly: No, it's not stupid, it's great, you should do that.
Joel: Tiffany always said that it was a dumb idea.
Molly: I don't know Tiffany, but she sounds like a stupid bitch.
[Both chuckle]

Joel: I'm sorry.
Molly: You're sorry? Thought you were Joel.
Joel: Actually, Joel is my middle name.
Molly: Sorry is your first name?
Joel: Billy is my first name.
Molly: Your name is Billy Joel?
Joel: Hmm... I never really thought about that before, but yeah, I guess it is. I should probably get going. Have a good night.

Pam: Want to see me naked, Joel? See anything you like? Take me, Joel. Shag me rotten.
Joel: But I'm in love with your daughter, Mrs... Whatever Molly's last name is. Good answer! You did it, Joel. He did it, you guys!
Molly: [Molly and Roger come out from behind the curtains] Yeah. You're the first boyfriend I ever had to pass the test!
Roger: I'm very impressed, Joel. Very impressed.
Joel: Uh, thanks.
Roger: I have watched many, many of Molly's boyfriends bend my wife over that sideboard and flunk the hell out of this test!
Joel: Oh. Can I take the test again?
[all laughing]
Joel: Please? Come on, I wanna fuck your mom.