Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Self - Host, Nominee & Performer • Ted - Presenter (voice)
- Seth MacFarlane: Daniel Day Lewis, not the first actor to be nominated for playing Lincoln. Raymond Massey portrayed him in 1940's Abe Lincoln in Illinois. This is true.
- [crowd applauds]
- Seth MacFarlane: I would argue, however, that the actor who *really* got inside Lincoln's head was John Wilkes Booth.
- [crowd groans]
- Seth MacFarlane: Really, a hundred and fifty years, and it's still too soon, huh?
- [crowd laughs]
- Seth MacFarlane: I got some Napoleon jokes coming up, you guys are gonna be SO mad! Oh, my god!
- Ted: [Performing the voice of "Ted", who is digitally-inserted into the broadcast] Boy, this is pretty cool, huh? You and me at the Academy Awards!
- Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing: This is insane, dude.
- Ted: Heh, look at all this talent. All this talent in one spot! There's, uh, there's Daniel Day-Lewis... There's Alan Arkin... There's Joaquin Phoenix. And you know what's interesting? All those actors I just named are part-Jewish.
- Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing: Oh, okay...
- Ted: What about you? You got a "berg" on the end of your name, are you Jewish?
- Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing: Am I Jewish? No, actually I'm Catholic.
- Ted: [Whispering] Uh, wrong answer. Try again!
- Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing: What?
- Ted: Look, you wanna work in this town or don't ya?
- [speaking aloud to the audience]
- Ted: Uh, that's interesting, uh, Mark, because I am Jewish.
- Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing: No you're not!
- Ted: I am! I am! I was born "Theodore Shapiro", and I would like to donate money to Israel and continue to work in Hollywood forever. Thank you, I am Jewish.
- Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing: You're an idiot.
- Ted: Oh, well, we'll see who the idiot is when they give me my private plane at the next secret synagogue meeting.
- Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing: Look, I'm not doing a sequel with you, okay? And the nominees for Best Sound Editing are:
- [Ted reads the nominees]
- Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing: And the Oscar goes to...
- [opens envelope and looks back up at audience]
- Mark Wahlberg - Presenter: Best Sound Mixing & Best Sound Editing: We have a tie... No BS, we have a tie.
- [announces the winners]
- Himself - Emcee, Herself - Performer: We saw your boobs // We saw your boobs / We saw your boobs / In the movie that we saw, we saw your boobs. // Meryl Streep, we saw your boobs in "Silkwood" / Naomi Watts' in "Mulholland Drive" / Angelina Jolie, we saw your boobs in "Gia" / They made us feel excited and alive. // Anne Hathaway, we saw your boobs in "Brokeback Mountain" / Halle Berry, we saw them in "Monster's Ball" / Nicole Kidman in "Eyes Wide Shut" / Marisa Tomei in "The Wrestler," but / We haven't seen Jennifer Lawrence's boobs at all. // We saw your boobs / We saw your boobs / In the movie that we saw, we saw your boobs. // Kristen Stewart, we saw your boobs in "On the Road" / And in "Monster" we saw Charlize Theron's / Helen Hunt, we saw them in "The Sessions" / And Scarlett Johansson, we saw them on our phones. // Jessica Chastain, we saw your boobs in "Lawless" / Jodie Foster in "The Accused" / Hilary Swank in "Boys Don't Cry" / Penelope Cruz in "Vanilla Sky." // And Kate Winslet in "Heavenly Creatures" and "Jude" / And "Hamlet" and "Titanic" / And "Iris" and "Little Children" / And "The Reader / And whatever you're shooting right now. // We saw your boobs / We saw your boobs. Here's to the losers // Here's to all the losing works of art from "Lincoln" to "Amour", / To the disappointed actors wondering what they dressed up for. / Now the real performance starts with phony smiles at the ball. / Here's to the losers, God bless them all. // Here's to nominee Quvenzhané, lift up that little head. / You'll be at the future Oscars when the rest of us are dead. / You have all Tom Cruise's talent and you're equally as tall. / Here's to the losers, God bless them all. // Oh poor Bradley Cooper, get your chin off the floor. / Here's your silver lining: You'll do "Hangover 4"! // Amy Adams, Jackie Weaver, Sally Field and Helen Hunt / Have to wait to smooch their Oscar, but you think that girl's adorable. / Time to pour a glass of 92 and curl up in a ball. / Here's to the losers, God bless them all. // Hey Seth, it's OK. All that movies will still be remembered forever. - / Oh yeah? What movies lost to "Chicago"? - Oh look, it's time to sing again! // Here's to Seth MacFarlane,
- ["Lincoln"! "Lincoln"!]
- Himself - Emcee, Herself - Performer: it's your Oscar farewell /
- [Well, we messed that up. That's why it's live. It's a live song]
- Himself - Emcee, Herself - Performer: // Here's the last toast of the evening,
- [Thank God!]
- Himself - Emcee, Herself - Performer: it's to those who still believe / All the losers will be winners, all the givers shall receive. / Here's to trouble-free tomorrow, may your sorrows all be small. / Here's to the losers, here's to the losers, / Here's to the losers, God bless them all.
- Seth MacFarlane: Congratulations, you five ladies no longer have to pretend to be attracted to Harvey Weinstein.