Skeletons in the Closet

Aside from the astounding number of 10-star reviews that all surprisingly appear almost the same date (can you say "bought reviews?")... we have this gem of wisdumb:

"Safe for kids barring language, violence, and very brief nudity." (And the review actually seems to be serious.)

Are you kidding me?

I attend several midwest horror conventions each year, and one thing I like to do is buy random films from the companies and actors who are in attendance. I know going in that these films may not have the best acting or editing, but I really appreciate seeing the passion that these folks put into their work and I like to support that.

I met some of the folks involved with Skeletons in the Closet at Horrorhound Weekend in Cincinnati in March 2019, and they were clearly very excited about this film so I bought a copy. This is one of the best films of this type I have bought at a horror con and I am very happy I was able to grab the second to last copy they had at their table! It is very well shot and has a slick look to it, and the acting and timing of everything was perfect for this type of throwback film.

I am not going to review the plot because if you read the summary here on IMDB then you will either watch it or you won't, but this is definitely a hidden gem. This is not a standard anthology film because unlike others (Creepshow, VHS, etc.) there are two "wrap around" segments (a babysitter watching a kid who is watching the movies, and two horror host type monsters watching everything unfold on their own t.v.) that are tying things together, each of which is almost a movie in itself. The segments themselves are stories that put a twist on your standard horror trope and there is a very energetic feel to everything throughout the film.

If you want something different from most of the low budget, indie stuff that is out there I would highly recommend Skeletons in the Closet. This is a great one to just sit back and watch if you want to relax and be entertained!

This movie is one colossal mess. There are simply too many things going on at once. Not completely without its merits, though.

What I did like about this anthology film were its two (yes, TWO) wraparound stories. First, a little girl, Jamie (Alaina Karner), is watched by her babysitter (Elizabeth Stenholt). Jamie is obsessed with a local horror show, hosted by The Widow (Ellie Church) and her dead husband Charlie (Adam Michaels). I liked the dynamic between the babysitter (she IS my gf, picking apart all the crap I watch) and Jamie. The show they watch throughout this film, also called Skeletons in the Closet (not to be confused with Chop Shop, the VHS video they watch on Skeletons... also the former name of this movie...), shows abysmal short films. But the host segments are awesome. The couple (modeled after Elvira and The Cryptkeeper) bickers over their murderous relationship, and questions each other regarding the movies they're showing. Fun fact: Watch the Q&A, hidden under Interviews, and you'll learn a writer, outside the penning of the rest of the movie, wrote all the cracking dialogue between the two hosts.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I haven't decided yet, in the bulk of Ellie Church's movies I've seen, SHE is the highlight. Yes, it happened again here. I love the fact that she has her special place in low budget genre cinema, and seems to relish the role, but frankly, she has proven to me repeatedly that she can do better (not to say she's in exclusively bad movies, there are good ones here and there). Just the notion that she steals the show more often than not, perplexes me as to why she's not more in-demand.

That leaves us with the anthology films, and... Ouch! Anthology films as a genre, more-or-less without exception, contain at least a clunker or two. Skeletons in the Closet is all-out disastrous. First of all, the suspension of disbelief you need to believe Jamie is not only paying attention to the movies, but is eating them up, is simply too much to ask of me. She implies she likes to be scared, but you'll find exactly ZERO scares. And, the way these are cut and edited, there's also zero tension. Just the fact that she sticks with these and doesn't get bored, is too tall an order. The incessant reliance on rapid-fire music video-esque editing and serial flashbacks is enough for you to want to jam knitting needles into your eyes. If there's a nugget of intrigue, or a morsel of an interesting story, all that got botched. I thought the acting overall in this movie was good to fair, but sure as hell not enough to salvage any of the stories - outside the two embedded framework segments.

Was this created as an example of how not to make an anthology film? Cause you nailed it. Absolutely one of the worst anthology films ever. A movie about watching a kid who's watching an Elvira ripoff who in turn is watching an anthology of BS. You'll be fast forwarding before the characters start to, but you're better off not watching at all.

There were parts of this with intentional shaky cam and unnecessary constant zooming that were physically difficult to watch. The storyline was not nearly as cohesive as it needed to be and with all of the VHS references that miss the mark by miles, it feels like it was made by someone who never experienced them.