Erlich: Yeah, we're gonna win even if I have to go into the auditorium and personally jerk off every guy in the audience.
Jared: That's a lot of jerking.
Gilfoyle: And we only have ten minutes to present. So...
Richard: So, we're fucked, aren't we?
Dinesh: Yeah, even if he's jerking two at a time, there are, what, 800 guys in that room? So that's 400 times whatever the mean jerk-time is.
Jared: The what?
Dinesh: Mean jerk-time. I mean, it doesn't matter, but, hypothetically, time is equal to 400 total jerks at a two-dick rate.
Gilfoyle: Unless Erlich jerks off four guys at a time, and then we can cut that in half.
Dinesh: How would he do four guys...? He's got two hands, so that's two dicks at a time, right?
Gilfoyle: Look, you have two guys on either side with their dicks, tip to tip, so you're going full-length. Four, see?
Jared: Oh... From the middle out. That does make sense.
Gilfoyle: Like two Shake Weights.
Dinesh: Yeah, so what we're trying to do, hypothetically, is minimize which is 800 dudes, multiplied by mean-jerk time, divided by four dicks at a time. Of course, Erlich would have to pre-sort guys by height, so that their dicks lined up.
Gilfoyle: Not by height, technically. The measurement that we're looking for, really, is dick to floor. Call that D2F.
Erlich: You know, if a guy's dick was long enough, it would be able to reach up or down to another guy with a different D2F. The longer the dick, the greater the D2F bridge, but I would still be able to jerk it off in one smooth motion... I'd just have to jerk it on an angle.
Gilfoyle: So D2F sub-1 needs to equal D2F sub-2, and D2F sub-3 needs to equal D2F sub-4, where length L creates a complimentary shaft angle. Call that theta D. Now, the orgasm threshold... as a function of Lamda sub...
Jared: Guys, does girth-similarity affect Erlich's ability to jerk different dicks simultaneously?
Erlich: Shit. Yeah, I think it would.
Erlich: Of course, it does. Time to orgasm, or T2O, has to be the same for each matching pair of dicks otherwise I'm wasting a lot of great strokes on a guy that's already busted.
Gilfoyle: Unless you can hotswap dicks in and out. So on a downstroke, you get a new one in. So when you stroke up you're not wasting any energy.
Dinesh: Even so. I think this is the most reliable metric for stamina.
[after the TechCrunch Disrupt]
Erlich: Let me ask you something. How fast do you think you could jack off every guy in this room? 'Cause I know how long it would take me. And I can prove it.
