Rick May credited as playing...
Soldier
- Spy: [drawing card from Bucket list] Our first dying wish is Scout's! He's... drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car.
- [examines closely]
- Spy: I have... something radiating off me.
- Scout: Yeah, those are stink lines.
- [to Heavy]
- Scout: That's why the car hit 'em: because he smells!
- Spy: Yes, I see.
- [pulls another card]
- Spy: Here you have drawn me having sexual congress with the Eiffel Tower...
- Scout: Heh heh heh.
- Spy: [pulls another card] ... Eiffel Tower having sexual congress with me...
- Scout: Heh heh heh.
- Spy: [pulls yet another card] ... both of us relaxing, post-coitus...
- Demoman: [mouthing] "Post-coitus"?
- Spy: [continuing] ... I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it, did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket?
- Scout: Oh man, classic Scout!
- Spy: Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.
- Soldier: You did not read mine!
- Scout: [sighs] Does it say you want the bucket?
- Soldier: Yes!
- Spy: [pushes bucket towards Soldier, lights cigarette] See you all in Hell.
- Engineer: Guys! Hey fellas, listen! It's just bread that gets tumors!
- Medic: Not even tumors! It's some form of self-aware beauty mark zhat only metastasizes in an environment of pure wheat! Here, vatch zhis!
- [shakes specimen jar]
- Medic: Oh look! It hates me so much!
- Engineer: So, we're fine! Long as nobody teleports any bread.
- Soldier: Question.
- Engineer: [chuckles] What's your question, Soldier?
- Soldier: I teleported bread.
- Engineer: [upset] What?
- Soldier: You told me to.
- Engineer: [foreboding] How much?
- Soldier: I have done nothing but teleport bread for three days.
- Medic: [urgently] Vhere? Vhere have you been sending it?
- [ground shakes as bread monster emerges]
- Spy: [the spy places a bucket of notecards on the table. A literal bucket list] *This* is a bucket.
- Soldier: [examines the bucket] Dear God.
- Spy: There's more.
- Soldier: [astonished] No!
- Spy: [ignoring him] It contains the dying wish of every man here.
- [turns]
- Spy: Scout. You did collect everyone's dying wish?
- Scout: Oh, you bet!
- Spy: Excellent. Gentlemen, synchronize your death watches.
- Engineer: [after he and the Medic show everyone that teleporting bread gives it tumors] Y'all know what this means right?
- Soldier: [the Soldier suddenly grabs the Scout by the neck and slams him onto the table] Arrghh! We cannot teleport bread anymore!
- Engineer: [the Engineer intervenes] Whoa! Whoa... Not exactly, Soldier.
- [he places his hand on the Soldier's back and smiles]
- Engineer: You teleport as much bread as you like.
- [he removes his helmet]
- Engineer: That goes for all of ya. If there's something any of y'all wanted to do before ya... Well. Died. Now would be a... good time.
- Scout: [struggling after they've been "eaten" by the bread monster] Aaahhhh... Ah... Miss Pauling, you all right?
- Miss Pauling: [opening her eyes] I can't feel anything below my neck...
- Scout: Oh God...
- Miss Pauling: Oh. Now I can feel it. Ow. Ow.
- Scout: Oh God, I am so sorry. This is...
- Miss Pauling: That... was so... much... FUN!
- [a smile forms on her face]
- Scout: [a look of confusion on his face] You're not mad?
- Miss Pauling: [quickly] I was furious. Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm and you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we shot it and we built a bomb and I think my leg's broken. Can we do this again?
- Scout: Yeah, sure!
- [He smiles, but frowns upon remembering about the "death watches" they were all given]
- Scout: Wait, nah. We can't. I'm going to be dead.
- Miss Pauling: [Confused] Wait, what?
- Soldier: [poking his head into the cavity] Good news! We're not dying! We are going to live forever!
- Medic: [the Heavy opens up a side of the dead bread monster, letting light in] I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with tumors!
- Scout: Oh thank God.
- [relaxes and chuckles]