Nathan Vetterlein: Scout

Expiration Date

Scout

Spy: [the Spy has agreed to coach Scout on how to be "better with the ladies". In a small gymnasium, the Spy prepares a rolling cart with a crash dummy, along with a wine bottle, two glasses, a bucket of drumsticks, red roses, a vase, and a box of RED chocolates. He pushes the cart so it rolls to the nervous Scout]
[nonchalantly]
Spy: Seduce me.
Scout: [the Scout looks back, confused, and turns forward, arms akimbo] You?
Spy: [pointedly] Seduce me.
Scout: What, Spy? I ain't gonna...
Spy: SEDUCE ME!
Scout: [taken aback] Right! Right. Okay.
[He looks down at the cart. He immediately picks up the bucket of fried chicken and lets out a quick sigh]
Scout: Okay...
[He walks up to the Spy]
Scout: H-hey there, good-lookin... I got a bucket of chicken...
Spy: [He slaps the chicken out of Scout's hands] I'm not one of your fried chicken tramps! I'm a woman! I like my men dangerous... Mysterious...
[Spy takes the crash dummy into his arms and starts dancing with it briefly before holding it in front of him]
Spy: You want to be my lover? Earn it! Seduce me!

Spy: [drawing card from Bucket list] Our first dying wish is Scout's! He's... drawn a picture of me getting hit by a car.
[examines closely]
Spy: I have... something radiating off me.
Scout: Yeah, those are stink lines.
[to Heavy]
Scout: That's why the car hit 'em: because he smells!
Spy: Yes, I see.
[pulls another card]
Spy: Here you have drawn me having sexual congress with the Eiffel Tower...
Scout: Heh heh heh.
Spy: [pulls another card] ... Eiffel Tower having sexual congress with me...
Scout: Heh heh heh.
Spy: [pulls yet another card] ... both of us relaxing, post-coitus...
Demoman: [mouthing] "Post-coitus"?
Spy: [continuing] ... I'm crying and the Eiffel Tower has stink lines coming off of it, did anyone besides Scout put a card into the bucket?
Scout: Oh man, classic Scout!
Spy: Fantastic. This was a huge waste of my time.
Soldier: You did not read mine!
Scout: [sighs] Does it say you want the bucket?
Soldier: Yes!
Spy: [pushes bucket towards Soldier, lights cigarette] See you all in Hell.

Spy: [the spy places a bucket of notecards on the table. A literal bucket list] *This* is a bucket.
Soldier: [examines the bucket] Dear God.
Spy: There's more.
Soldier: [astonished] No!
Spy: [ignoring him] It contains the dying wish of every man here.
[turns]
Spy: Scout. You did collect everyone's dying wish?
Scout: Oh, you bet!
Spy: Excellent. Gentlemen, synchronize your death watches.

[last lines]
Scout: So yeah, Miss Pauling. I guess it's a date.
Miss Pauling: Actually this is my only day off this year.
Scout: Oh...
Miss Pauling: Oh, but you can ride along with me on some jobs.
[brings out a flip notebook]
Miss Pauling: Tomorrow... I'm belt sanding the fingerprints off a pile of corpses.
Scout: Ah, no.
Miss Pauling: Oh! You can help me yank the molars out of a box full of heads.
Scout: No to that.
Miss Pauling: Well, on Friday I've got to kill someone who pressed a briefcase alarm button and... oh, uh
[Cut to black]
Miss Pauling: You're already going to be at that one.

Scout: [Miss Pauling has just ended their video call to deal with the mess Scout's team made] Lot of people busy with busyness.
Spy: [passing by, smugly] Asking out that dial tone again, I see.
Scout: [sitting up and angrily gesturing] Go to hell, Spy.

Scout: [while everyone is fighting a giant bread monster that came from Soldier's teleporting of bread] Hey, Miss Pauling. Oh, I am so sorry...
Miss Pauling: [Looking up from the wires of a bomb cart she is trying to program] God, Scout, what for? Pressing the one button you're never supposed to press? Do you have any idea what's in a briefcase that -
[she spots the watch on Scout's arm]
Miss Pauling: - Oh, oh! Give me your watch!
[She holds her hand out expectantly]
Scout: Yeah. Exactly!
[he gives her the watch]
Scout: See, that is where this all starts! No, actually, wait...
Soldier: [he is interrupted by the Soldier screaming and landing nearby them]
[proudly]
Soldier: HA HA HA! I TELEPORTED BREAD!
Scout: [the Soldier is grabbed by one of the monster's tentacles and dragged away] ... so that brings me to the point of this story, which is I like you, and you should probably be sitting for this...
Miss Pauling: GUYS! CLOSE THE BLAST DOORS!
Scout: Miss Pauling. Look, my last few hours I just wanted...
Heavy: [Struggling to keep the blast doors open for them to escape through] COME ON!
Scout: Um, never mind...
Miss Pauling: RUN!

Scout: [struggling after they've been "eaten" by the bread monster] Aaahhhh... Ah... Miss Pauling, you all right?
Miss Pauling: [opening her eyes] I can't feel anything below my neck...
Scout: Oh God...
Miss Pauling: Oh. Now I can feel it. Ow. Ow.
Scout: Oh God, I am so sorry. This is...
Miss Pauling: That... was so... much... FUN!
[a smile forms on her face]
Scout: [a look of confusion on his face] You're not mad?
Miss Pauling: [quickly] I was furious. Oh my God, you set off the briefcase alarm and you were having a prom for some reason. But then there was this monster and we shot it and we built a bomb and I think my leg's broken. Can we do this again?
Scout: Yeah, sure!
[He smiles, but frowns upon remembering about the "death watches" they were all given]
Scout: Wait, nah. We can't. I'm going to be dead.
Miss Pauling: [Confused] Wait, what?
Soldier: [poking his head into the cavity] Good news! We're not dying! We are going to live forever!
Medic: [the Heavy opens up a side of the dead bread monster, letting light in] I didn't say that! I just said we're not filled with tumors!
Scout: Oh thank God.
[relaxes and chuckles]