Steve Buscemi credited as playing...
Nikita Khrushchev
- Nikita Khrushchev: I really need your help.
- Georgy Zhukov: To do what? There's bodies fucking piling up in the street, it's a bit late, isn't it?
- Nikita Khrushchev: What if we blame this on someone...
- Georgy Zhukov: Wait...
- Nikita Khrushchev: Who's out of control?
- Georgy Zhukov: Nicky, be very careful what you say next. Who?
- Nikita Khrushchev: Beria.
- Georgy Zhukov: I'm going to have to report this conversation. Threatening to do harm or obstruct any member of the Presidium in the process of...
- [grins]
- Georgy Zhukov: Look at your fucking face!
- [bursts out laughing]
- Vasily Stalin: I want to make a speech at my father's funeral.
- Nikita Khrushchev: [sarcastically] And I want to fuck Grace Kelly.
- Vasily Stalin: I simply don't care.
- Maria Veniaminovna Yudina: But I'm confident of everlasting life.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Who the fuck in their right mind would want everlasting life? The endless conversation.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Be serious. Are you in?
- Georgy Zhukov: I'm in, I'm in. That fucker thinks he can take on the Red Army? I fucked Germany, I think I can take a flesh lump in a fucking waistcoat.
- Nikita Khrushchev: If he recovers, then we got a good doctor. If he doesn't recover, then we didn't. But, he won't know.
- Vasily Stalin: I want to make a speech at my father's funeral
- Lavrenti Beria: Comrade Malenkov, your view?
- Georgy Malenkov: Well, I think, um... it can be... no problem.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Technically yes, but practically...
- Lavrenti Beria: There are programmatic complications...
- Georgy Malenkov: I think I misspoke when I said "No problem." What I meant was, "No, problem."
- [Everyone in the room looks confused]
- Georgy Malenkov: Ignore me.
- Svetlana Stalin: Why did you let him do that?
- Nikita Khrushchev: Yes. I should have intercepted his fist with my face.
- Georgy Zhukov: Now, it's got to be tomorrow.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Tomorrow?
- Georgy Zhukov: Sorry, you busy washing your hair or what?
- Nikita Khrushchev: Tomorrow's the funeral.
- Georgy Zhukov: Yeah, the day that the entire fucking Army's in town with their guns.
- Nikita Khrushchev: That's perfect!
- Nikita Khrushchev: What was the name of the - that woman who gave evidence against the doctors?
- Georgy Malenkov: Timashuk.
- Lavrenti Beria: Yes. She's got everything we require for the situation. The location of all the remaining doctors in the Moscow area, a proven desire to survive and a talent for fellatio.
- Anastas Mikoyan: Yeah, right, she gets my vote.
- Nicolai Bulganin: Good. Let her find us some doctors.
- Anastas Mikoyan: Yeah, and if it goes badly, we pin it all on Lady Suck Suck.
- Kaganovich: Then we shoot her.
- Georgy Malenkov: You see? We're better as a committee.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Which doctor have you called?
- Georgy Malenkov: Oh, well...
- Lavrenti Beria: The subject's currently under discussion.
- Georgy Malenkov: As acting General Secretary, I think that, well, the Committee should decide.
- Nikita Khrushchev: The Committee? But our *actual* General Secretary is lying in a puddle of indignity! I think he's saying, "get me a doctor now!"
- Georgy Malenkov: No, I-I don't agree. I think we should wait until we're quorate.
- Nikita Khrushchev: Quorate? The room is only 75% *conscious*!
- [last lines]
- Nikita Khrushchev: I'm worried about Malenkov, though. Can we trust him?
- Kaganovich: Can you ever trust a weak man?
- Nikita Khrushchev: He's using you, Georgy! He's using you, and then he's going to kill you! You saw those papers.
- Georgy Malenkov: What are you talking about? Jesus, Nicky, he was pointing at you, he wasn't pointing at me.
- Nikita Khrushchev: No, no, he said...
- [twirls his finger]
- Nikita Khrushchev: "all of you."
- Georgy Malenkov: No, no, I was over there, and he went...
- [twirls his finger]
- Georgy Malenkov: "all of *you*".
- Nikita Khrushchev: Yeah!
- [twirls his finger]
- Nikita Khrushchev: "*All* of you."
- Georgy Malenkov: No, no.
- [twirls his finger]
- Georgy Malenkov: "All of *you*."
- Lazar Kaganovich: No, he said...
- [twirls his finger]
- Lazar Kaganovich: "*all* of you."
- Georgy Malenkov: [twirls his finger] You know, all of you...
- [bends over and points]
- Georgy Malenkov: Can kiss my Russian ass! All of you!
- Nikita Khrushchev: You are accused of using your position as Minister of the Interior to plot against the Soviet Union...
- Zhukov's Chief of Staff: Traitor!
- Nikita Khrushchev: with the goal of forwarding the interests of foreign powers...
- Lavrenti Beria: Foreign powers? From where, the fucking moon?
- Nikita Khrushchev: You are also accused of three hundred and forty-seven counts of rape, of sexual deviancy and bourgeois immorality, and acts of perversion with children as young as seven years old!
- [Zhukov punches Beria]
- Georgy Zhukov: Want a job done properly, you call the army. Take his belt off. It's hard to run away with your pants falling down.
- Nikita Khrushchev: [to Malenkov] If you want to talk to General Zhukov, now's your opportunity.
- Georgy Zhukov: Spit it out, Georgy. Staging a coup here.
- Georgy Malenkov: ...He's got a knife by his ankle.
- Lavrenti Beria: You're a disgrace!
- Lazar Kaganovich: Give his head a good kicking. Make you feel better.
- Vyacheslav Molotov: All in good time.
- Lavrenti Beria: Oh, I'm gonna enjoy peeling the skin from your self-satisfied face.
- Georgy Zhukov: [holds up the little knife and scoffs] Not with that, you won't.
- Georgy Malenkov: [re: Beria] He deserves a trial, he's one of us!
- Nikita Khrushchev: [fed up with Malenkov's dithering] What about Tukhachevsky and Pyatakov? Did they get a trial? What about Sokolnikov, who begged him to look after his elderly mother? And what did this monster do? He strangled her in front of him! It's too late. The only choice we have is between his death or his revenge. And you will fucking sign this.
- Georgy Malenkov: [reluctantly signs] I want it to go on record, this was not my first course of action.
- Nikita Khrushchev: When you go home, make sure your wife writes down everything you think you said tonight. Alright? This way, in the morning you know what you're dealing with. It's Krushchev's law.
- Nikita Khrushchev: You understand what's going on? This is how people get killed, when their stories don't fit. Safe travels.
- [during Stalin's autopsy, Kaganovich notices a pieces of equipment in the barn]
- Lazar Kaganovich: Who organized the Wurlitzer?
- Dr. Lukomsky: It's a respirator.
- Lazar Kaganovich: Did you use it?
- Dr. Lukomsky: No... it's American.
- Nikita Khrushchev, Lazar Kaganovich: It's *what*?
- Stalin's Doctor: [points to Lukomsky] It's from his hospital
- Dr. Lukomsky: [points to Stalin's doctor] It was his idea.
- Nikita Khrushchev: All right, let's just pretend the last six sentences never happened.