Johnny Carson: Self - Host

Father Guido Sarducci/Siskel & Ebert/Robin Barnett

Self - Host

Johnny Carson: [in "The Edge of Wetness" sketch]
[narrating]
Johnny Carson: That concludes nothing, tonight's episode. Join me next week, when we bring you "The Edge of Nothing"!
[audience applauds/cheers]
Johnny Carson: [Johnny laughs] Ah, nothing. Okay.
[Ed laughs]
Johnny Carson: Oh well. Folks, we will recover from this, as we have on many occasions. Uh, we have with us tonight, in just a moment... Fred is calling for the paramedics now.

Johnny Carson: [in "The Edge of Wetness" sketch]
[narrating]
Johnny Carson: Yes, there she is: Sludge Falls' leading dealer- Sledge Falls' leading disease-dealer of imported cars, Poca-Honda. All of her cars come with a warranty: They're good for five miles or 50,000 years, whichever comes first. She's recently patented a method of stopping nosebleeds using an airline vacuum cleaner.
[no audience laughter]
Johnny Carson: Nothing. She'd like to lay rubber with this man...
[camera cuts to another audience member, who's wearing a Goofy hat]
Johnny Carson: Okay!
[audience applauds]
Johnny Carson: There he is, Sludge Falls' commercial fishman, Mr. Paul. Most women won't date Mr. Paul, because he insists on hanging them upside down on a scale and having his picture taken standing next to them.
[audience chuckles]
Johnny Carson: Last night, Mr. Paul glued 900 pages to his bedroom Venetian blinds, then told the police he was being spied on by peeping Toms.
[no audience laughter]
Johnny Carson: Nothing. He liked... he'd like to wiggle a bait worm at this woman...
[camera cuts to another audience member]
Johnny Carson: Yes, Sludge Falls' leading baker, Sara Lee Iacocca.
[audience laughs]
Johnny Carson: All of Sara's employees are pirates. She used peg legs to punch holes in the donuts. Sara's disappointed that there are so few love songs about vermin.
[no audience laughter]
Johnny Carson: Nothing.

Johnny Carson: [in "The Edge of Wetness" sketch]
[narrating]
Johnny Carson: Rhonda McDonald, the owner of Sludge Falls' fast food restaurant. Rhonda thinks hunting would be a lot easier if wild animals ate fast food, then whenever you hear a burp, shoot.
[mild audience laughter]
Johnny Carson: Rhonda once dissected a French fry to see if it had a tongue.
[Ed laughs]
Johnny Carson: She feels that every country in the world is our brother; so last night, she told her father that New Zealand had a dirty magazine under its bed.
[no audience laughter]
Johnny Carson: Nothing.