Victor Garber credited as playing...
Admiral Halsey
- Admiral Halsey: I have good news. There's a ship available. It's a mid-level craft. The USS Orville. It's not exactly a heavy cruiser, but it is an exploratory vessel. And we're offering you command.
- Ed Mercer: You're kidding.
- Admiral Halsey: Honestly, we would have offered you a command earlier, but you haven't really inspired anyone with all that much confidence this past year.
- Ed Mercer: [taking something off the desk as he talks] I know. I ha... I've had some personal stuff that's been going on. It's not really worth getting into. Can I have one of these mints?
- Admiral Halsey: Those are marbles.
- [having already put it in his mouth, Ed spits it back into the bowl]
- Admiral Halsey: Now, the Orville has a nearly-full crew complement. Her previous captain retired this month. But she's still short a helmsman and a first officer. We're waiting for an XO to become available.
- Ed Mercer: Well, you know, I can get you the best helmsman in the fleet.
- Admiral Halsey: You mean... Lieutenant Malloy. I'm aware you two are friends.
- Ed Mercer: Look, I... I know Gordon has his issues, but we all know there's nobody who can drive a starship like him.
- Admiral Halsey: Didn't he once draw a penis on the main viewing screen of outpost T85?
- Ed Mercer: He's drawn a lot of penises on a lot of things, but, Admiral, if you were caught in an ion storm, who would you want at the helm?
- Admiral Halsey: Ed, calm down and be professional about this.
- Ed Mercer: Oh, please, there is nothing at all professional about this situation. Okay, this is my ex-wife, who I have not seen since my divorce a year ago after I walked in on her banging a Retepsian.
- Admiral Halsey: I know this isn't ideal, but she's the only qualified XO available. And the staff profile compatibility program indicated your skill sets complement hers.
- Ed Mercer: Oh, it did? See if your compatibility program can get blue out of a white lampshade.