J. Lee: Lt. John LaMarr

Old Wounds

Lt. John LaMarr

John LaMarr: Hey, what's up?
Gordon Malloy: Hey, man, come on in.
John LaMarr: Figured I'd introduce myself since we're gonna be working full shifts together.
Gordon Malloy: Translation, you want to make sure I'm not a jerk.
John LaMarr: Something like that.
Gordon Malloy: Dude, I'm such a jerk, it's ridiculous.
John LaMarr: Okay, well so am I, so this is gonna work out great.

John LaMarr: So, I heard you've been out of commission for a minute.
Gordon Malloy: Well, not out of commission, but, uh, definitely kept on desk duty.
John LaMarr: Well, what'd you do? I mean, your piloting skills are kind of legendary. How'd you get suspended?
Gordon Malloy: I let my cousin shoot a porno in the back of a shuttle in exchange for some pills.
John LaMarr: W-wait. No. R-really?
Gordon Malloy: [laughs] Man, look at your face. No, no, no. I did a... I did a manual override on a tricky shuttle docking and sheared off a cargo bay door. Yeah, nobody was hurt, but 300 crates of authentic autumn squash were sucked into space.
John LaMarr: Well, that's a lot of damn squash.
Gordon Malloy: Yeah. I was trying to impress a girl.

Isaac: [the Orville is under attack] Deflectors at half power.
Gordon Malloy: Sir, I think I can buy us some time 'till we can get the landing party back. Let me wing it here?
Bortus: Proceed.
Gordon Malloy: This is something I call "hugging the donkey".
John LaMarr: You can hug the donkey?
Gordon Malloy: Dude, I've been hugging the donkey since flight school.

Isaac: The captain does not appear to be pleased at the arrival of his first officer. Why is this?
Gordon Malloy: 'Cause she's a total bitch.
Alara Kitan: Do you know her?
Gordon Malloy: Oh, yeah. They were married.
Alara Kitan: No way.
Gordon Malloy: She cheated on him.
John LaMarr: Aw, damn, that's cold.
Gordon Malloy: Yeah, so this should be a really fun trip for all of us.
Isaac: Your description of the occurrence indicates unpleasantness, yet you believe it will be fun.
Gordon Malloy: I was being sarcastic. It's gonna suck.
Isaac: Suck?
Gordon Malloy: Yeah, suck. You know, like, ass, balls.
Alara Kitan: What he means is if you don't already drink, you should probably start.

Ed Mercer: Dr. Aronov, this is Captain Ed Mercer. We're about to start sending down your supplies.
Dr. Aronov: Actually, Captain, we... we don't need any supplies.
Ed Mercer: I... I don't understand. You requested these supplies yourself, yeah?
Dr. Aronov: I did. I'm sorry. I... I wouldn't have lied unless I had to. Please, come down to the surface. I will explain everything.
Kelly Grayson: [the transmission ends] This is really strange.
Ed Mercer: Yeah, it's a great way to start things off. Bortus, you have the conn. Lieutenant, you're with us.
John LaMarr: [Ed, Kelly, and Alara leave] Did you see that dog in the background licking his balls?
Gordon Malloy: First thing I saw.

Ed Mercer: All right, Commander. You have it.
Krill Captain: Excellent. Now, give me the activation code.
Ed Mercer: The code is six, alpha, nine, three, seven, alpha, three, zero, zero. Happy Arbor Day.
[when the device is activated, the Krill ship is destroyed by a growing redwood]
Gordon Malloy: Wait. What's Arbor Day?
Ed Mercer: It's the holiday where you plant the trees.
John LaMarr: I wouldn't have gotten that.
Gordon Malloy: Oh, yeah. No, I didn't get that, either.