Jim Parsons credited as playing...
Sheldon Cooper
- Sheldon Cooper: Can I feed peanuts to the elephants at your wedding?
- Raj Koothrappali: That is such a stereotype!
- Sheldon Cooper: There won't be any elephants?
- Raj Koothrappali: Of course there'll be elephants. It's a stereotype that you feed them peanuts.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you really gonna plan a wedding in three months?
- Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, well, her family's doing most of the work. They're amazing. We talk all the time.
- Sheldon Cooper: Why?
- Raj Koothrappali: Because we're about to get married and they're gonna be my family.
- Sheldon Cooper: Amy and I are married, and I never talk to her family.
- Penny Hofstadter: Really? My parents love Leonard.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. And my mother loves Penny, which is weird, because I never knew she could love.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, guys, before Anu gets here, can I talk about the seating situation? I really don't want her to sit on the floor.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no problem. Bernadette, floor.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Hey!
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, you can't make my wife sit on the floor.
- Sheldon Cooper: Fine. Howard, floor.
- Penny Hofstadter: Fine, I'll sit on the floor.
- Raj Koothrappali: Thank you, Penny. And Leonard, I was kind of hoping I could sit next to Anu.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So now I have to sit next on the floor? It's my house. Why can't Sheldon sit on the floor?
- Sheldon Cooper: That might be the dumbest thing you have ever said.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hi, daddy.
- Larry Fowler: Hey, pumpkin.
- Sheldon Cooper: Pumpkin! I've been calling her Spaghetti Squash. It's amazing that one woman can be different vegetables to different men.
- Sheldon Cooper: So, how does this work with in-laws? Am I supposed to be calling you Dad? Because I don't want to.
- Larry Fowler: You don't have to.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, thanks, Larry. Ooh. That doesn't sound right. Maybe I should pick a vegetable for you.
- Mrs. Fowler: Sheldon? What's going on? Where's Larry?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Turnip's out. I'm bonding with you.
- Mrs. Fowler: I can't believe it. All this time, I've been angry at you when I should have been angry at Amy.
- Sheldon Cooper: Look at that. We're both angry at Amy. Maybe that's something we could bond over. Let me ask you this: how do you feel about Howard?
- Mrs. Fowler: Oh, is he that odd little friend you have with the haircut?
- Sheldon Cooper: I may have married the wrong Fowler.
- Mrs. Fowler: Thank you, Amy. It's so nice of you to have us over for dinner.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Couldn't think of a single reason not to.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, and boy, did she try.
- [last lines]
- Larry Fowler: Would anyone like to see the magic trick Howard taught me?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I'd love to see your trick, daddy.
- Larry Fowler: [standing up] A perfectly ordinary table knife. Watch closely.
- [he makes it disappear]
- Larry Fowler: Voila.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, my gosh, that was so good.
- [blood begins to seep from his hands]
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, look, there's fake blood, too.
- Larry Fowler: [hurrying to the bathroom] I'll be right back.
- Mrs. Fowler: I don't know about you, but I don't really like magic.
- Sheldon Cooper: You just keep getting better and better.
- Howard Wolowitz: Guys, guys, there's a simple solution.
- Raj Koothrappali: I am not breaking up with her.
- Howard Wolowitz: All right. Let's keep thinking.
- Raj Koothrappali: [a few minutes later] Hey, everybody, it's Anu.
- Anu: Hi.
- Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Penny Hofstadter, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Amy Farrah Fowler: [all crammed onto one cushion] Hi!
- Sheldon Cooper: [in his spot] Welcome!
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You're up early.
- Sheldon Cooper: Huh? Yes. I wanted to get a jump on planning a day of fun for you.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, that's sweet. What are we doing?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, just you. I have other plans. Now, would you prefer to see "The Grinch" in 2-D or 3-D?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't wanna see it at all.
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, let's go 2-D. No sense in spending extra money.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you gonna be doing?
- Sheldon Cooper: Being a great husband.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, you're gonna need to show your work on that.
- Sheldon Cooper: After last night, I got to thinking that I should have a better relationship with your family.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: I think the one you have with them is perfect.
- Sheldon Cooper: I hardly have one at all.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Which is perfect.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Amy, they're important to you, and you're important to me. Therefore, according to the transitive property, they're important to me. It's the same reason I'm interested in your big, flat feet.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: You know that my mom can be... well, difficult to get along with.
- Sheldon Cooper: Which is why I'm starting with your dad and working my way up.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: All right. I'm just worried you might have a rather unpleasant day.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, back at you. I watched the trailer for "The Grinch"; it looks terrible.
- Sheldon Cooper: It's called "Lethal Weapon", but isn't that redundant? Aren't weapons, but their very nature, lethal?
- Larry Fowler: I suppose you're right.
- Sheldon Cooper: And don't even get me started on "Unsolved Mysteries".
- Larry Fowler: I didn't get you started on "Lethal Weapon".
- Howard Wolowitz: What are you guys up to?
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, father-in-law/son-in-law bonding. It's going great. Look at what he bought me at the train store.
- [he takes out and blows a whistle]
- Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, it sounded louder in the car.
- Howard Wolowitz: Cool. Can I see it?
- Sheldon Cooper: [handing it over] Hmm? Sure.
- Howard Wolowitz: Interesting. This is one of those disappearing whistles.
- Sheldon Cooper: What are you talking about?
- Howard Wolowitz: [making it disappear] Voila.
- Larry Fowler: Amazing. Where did it go?
- Howard Wolowitz: Look in your pocket.
- Larry Fowler: [taking it out] Ah! Oh! Oh! Oh, how did you do that?
- Howard Wolowitz: Sorry, a magician never shares his secrets.
- Larry Fowler: I'll give you a hundred bucks.
- Howard Wolowitz: Sold!
- Larry Fowler: Okay. Hey. Where's my wallet?
- Howard Wolowitz: [making it appear] Voila.
- Howard Wolowitz: What's up?
- Sheldon Cooper: I need you to stop being so delightful.
- Howard Wolowitz: What?
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm supposed to be bonding with him. You have your own father-in-law. Leave mine alone.
- Howard Wolowitz: Tell you what, you take my father-in-law, I'll take yours.
- Sheldon Cooper: I don't want your father-in-law.
- Howard Wolowitz: [doing the "coin behind the ear" trick] Well, what if I throw in a quarter?
- Larry Fowler: [giddy like a little kid] Do it again! Do it again!
- Sheldon Cooper: So the doctor prescribed Nizoral and it blocked enzyme action, and the fungus cleared right up.
- Mrs. Fowler: That's a very disturbing picture.
- Sheldon Cooper: Yes, well, they say a picture's worth a thousand words, but I say nothing beats a picture and a thousand words.
- Mrs. Fowler: Still, you might wanna take it off Facebook.
- Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no. It's in my nature to share.
- Sheldon Cooper: Other than Amy, have you ever had anything removed from your body?
- Mrs. Fowler: I am not going to answer that.
- Sheldon Cooper: Smart. Save something for our next get-together.
- Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Amy.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Hey, how's it going?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, Howard lured your father away with magic, so now I'm bonding with your mom.
- [seeing Mrs. Fowler's hard stare]
- Sheldon Cooper: I think she likes me.
- Mrs. Fowler: Amy said she couldn't come to Thanksgiving dinner because you always have to spend it with your mother.
- Sheldon Cooper: I haven't spent Thanksgiving with my mother in years.
- [to Amy]
- Sheldon Cooper: Amy, why would you tell your mother that I spend Thanksgiving with my mother?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Uh... no time to talk about that now. All your action figures are on fire. Harrison Ford's in the lobby. Come quick.
- Mrs. Fowler: And Amy never joins us for Sunday dinners because you refuse to go out on a school night.
- Sheldon Cooper: Sh... I can go out on a school night as long as I'm in my PJs by 10:00.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, don't listen to her. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She's crazy!
- Mrs. Fowler: Hello, Amy.
- Amy Farrah Fowler: [weakly] Hello, mother. Good news. We-we can come for Thanksgiving this year.