Simon Helberg: Howard Wolowitz

The D & D Vortex

Howard Wolowitz

Raj Koothrappali: Hey, do you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"?
Penny Hofstadter: Nope.
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: No.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Certainly not.
Raj Koothrappali: You don't even know what it's about.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is it about a superhero who finds her voice by doing stand-up?
Raj Koothrappali: That's so much better than what I had. Mine is just a Jewish girl that flies.
Howard Wolowitz: I'd read that.

William Shatner: Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.
Howard Wolowitz: [sounds of Sheldon vomiting] Oh, poor Shatner.
Raj Koothrappali: Poor Shatner? I have to eat lunch now.
Leonard Hofstadter: Look, Sheldon's pretty embarrassed, so when he gets here, we should...
Howard Wolowitz: Make fun of him?
Leonard Hofstadter: A lot.
Raj Koothrappali: Guys, don't you think that's a little mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, just so we're all on the same page.

Howard Wolowitz: So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?
Sheldon Cooper: Very funny. Get it all out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like you did on William Shatner?
Sheldon Cooper: Raj, do you have something to add?
Raj Koothrappali: You brought shame upon yourself and your family. It's not funny, but it's true.

Sheldon Cooper: I will admit the meeting did not go the way I wanted.
Howard Wolowitz: [imitating Shatner] Because you barfed where no man has barfed before?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, the next time I meet him, it will go better.
Raj Koothrappali: Next time? What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
Sheldon Cooper: Wil will give me another chance. He thinks the world of me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aw. One of the reasons I love you is you actually believe that.
Sheldon Cooper: [not getting the sarcasm] Thank you.

Sheldon Cooper: Guys, guys, Wil Wheaton hosts a secret celebrity D&D game.
Leonard Hofstadter: How do you know?
Raj Koothrappali: Who was there?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Why are you damp?
Sheldon Cooper: I was trying to peek in Wil's window, and he turned the sprinklers on.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that means they must be really famous.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm almost positive I heard William Shatner.
Raj Koothrappali: I wonder who else is playing.
Leonard Hofstadter: I-I bet we can use graph theory to determine who Wil knows and who is likely to play D&D.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: [hurrying over to a white board] Okay, obviously he's connected to the whole "Next Gen" cast.
Penny Hofstadter: So this is the rest of our night, huh?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, no. This is the rest of our lives.

Leonard Hofstadter: And Josh Brolin gets you to every Avenger.
Howard Wolowitz: [on his phone] Kevin Smith's in this article about celebrities who play D&D.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, a-and he was on Wil's podcast, so they know each other.
Raj Koothrappali: G-Go on his Instagram, see if you can find anything.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, he-he posted something an hour ago: "#GameNight".
Sheldon Cooper: That looks like Wil's house.
Howard Wolowitz: William Shatner, Kevin Smith. Who else could be there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do you see what I see over his shoulder?
Howard Wolowitz: [looking closer] Is that a ghost?
Raj Koothrappali: I think it's Stuart.
Sheldon Cooper: That is Stuart. What-what's he doing there?
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe he died in Wil's house and he can't leave until he solves his own murder.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would Wil invite Stuart and not us?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [watching with Amy and Penny] I know the answer.
Penny Hofstadter: Yeah. We all know the answer.

Stuart Bloom: Hey, guys.
Howard Wolowitz: You're home late.
Stuart Bloom: Uh, yeah. I had a crazy night. I went to the pharmacy. I like to be there when the new decongestants drop.
Raj Koothrappali: Cut the crap. We know where you were. We know what you were doing.
Stuart Bloom: Yeah, I just told you. I was at CVS breathing my ass off.

Leonard Hofstadter: We know you were at Wil's D&D game. We saw you on Instagram. We just want to know how you got invited.
Stuart Bloom: I can't talk about it, or they won't invite me back next week.
Leonard Hofstadter: So there's another game next week.
Stuart Bloom: I didn't mean to say that.
Howard Wolowitz: Who's in it?
Stuart Bloom: Oh, I can't tell you!
Raj Koothrappali: How do we get invited?
Stuart Bloom: I don't know!
Sheldon Cooper: How many hit dice are they playing the wereboar as having?
Stuart Bloom: 12D8 + 24. AHH! I mean, I don't know!

Raj Koothrappali: [calling Wil] But y-you blocked your number, right?
Howard Wolowitz: Relax, this is not my first creepy phone call. It's like riding a bike... slowly past a girl's house.

Wil Wheaton: Hello?
Howard Wolowitz: [imitating Shatner] Wil, Bill Shatner here.
Wil Wheaton: Is this Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Of course not. It-it's Shatner. If you don't believe me, ask my good friend, Christopher Walken.
[imitating Walken]
Howard Wolowitz: Hello. Bill and I are just hanging out at the Polo Lounge.
Raj Koothrappali: [clinking two glasses] Mr. Shatner, Mr. Walken, here are your martinis.
Howard Wolowitz: [normally, whispering] What are you doing?
Raj Koothrappali: I'm filling out the world.
Howard Wolowitz: You're ruining it.
Wil Wheaton: No, he's not.
Raj Koothrappali: Thanks, Wil!