Johnny Galecki credited as playing...
Leonard Hofstadter
- Wil Wheaton: Hey, Leonard, I have an opening in my D&D game next week, and I was wondering if you were interested in playing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [flattered] Well, yes, thank you.
- Wil Wheaton: Okay, great. Now, here's the thing. You can't tell anyone. I'm serious. Not Howard, not Raj, and certainly not Sheldon.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Okay.
- Wil Wheaton: I'm really sorry to put you in a position where you have to lie to your friends...
- Leonard Hofstadter: [hanging up] See you there!
- Wil Wheaton: You come face to face with a massive monster with a gaping maw full of teeth, three huge legs, and flailing tentacles. What do you do?
- William Shatner: Fellas, it looks like we're facing a, an otyugh. Here's the plan...
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: Hold on there, Bill.
- William Shatner: Now what, Kareem?
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: How do we know it's not a neo-otyugh?
- William Shatner: Same way I know the difference between an owlbear and a bugbear. Does that answer your question?
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: No.
- Joe Manganiello: Look, there's only one way to settle this. We chop it up and look at the pieces.
- Kevin Smith: Oh, come on. Why do you always gotta attack everything? Why can't we just try talking to it?
- Joe Manganiello: Big surprise, Podcast here wants to talk.
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar: What do you think, Leonard?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I think this is the greatest day of my entire life.
- William Shatner: It's all right, buddy. One day, you'll meet a girl.
- Raj Koothrappali: Hey, do you guys want to read my fan fiction mash-up, "Captain Marvelous Mrs. Maisel"?
- Penny Hofstadter: Nope.
- Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: No.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Certainly not.
- Raj Koothrappali: You don't even know what it's about.
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is it about a superhero who finds her voice by doing stand-up?
- Raj Koothrappali: That's so much better than what I had. Mine is just a Jewish girl that flies.
- Howard Wolowitz: I'd read that.
- Penny Hofstadter: Hey, how was your lecture?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, it was so good. I-I-I mean, it-it started great, and then the, the middle was great, and then ending was, like...
- [pantomiming an explosion]
- Leonard Hofstadter: So great.
- Penny Hofstadter: Leonard, if you went to House of Pies again, just say it.
- Leonard Hofstadter: W-w-wait, if you think I'm lying, why do you think I'm eating pies? Why don't you think I'm... having an affair?
- Penny Hofstadter: Listen, i-it's fine, just next time, bring me a slice.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Kevin Smith was there, and-and, uh, this really tall guy named Kareem.
- Penny Hofstadter: Wait, wait, K-Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?
- Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know, it was, uh, Kareem something Jabbar. How do you know him?
- Penny Hofstadter: How do you *not* know him?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I know him now 'cause he was there.
- Penny Hofstadter: Wow. That is so cool.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, a-and that, uh, the guy who played the werewolf on-on "True Blood", he was there.
- Penny Hofstadter: What? Joe Manganiello?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, yeah.
- Penny Hofstadter: From "Magic Mike"?
- Leonard Hofstadter: What's that?
- Penny Hofstadter: [searching on her phone] Okay, okay. Did he look... like this?
- Leonard Hofstadter: He had his clothes on, but yeah.
- William Shatner: Put her there, Science Officer Cooper.
- Howard Wolowitz: [sounds of Sheldon vomiting] Oh, poor Shatner.
- Raj Koothrappali: Poor Shatner? I have to eat lunch now.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Look, Sheldon's pretty embarrassed, so when he gets here, we should...
- Howard Wolowitz: Make fun of him?
- Leonard Hofstadter: A lot.
- Raj Koothrappali: Guys, don't you think that's a little mean?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
- Raj Koothrappali: Okay, just so we're all on the same page.
- Howard Wolowitz: So, Sheldon, did you get William Shatner's autograph, or maybe his dry cleaning bill?
- Sheldon Cooper: Very funny. Get it all out.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Like you did on William Shatner?
- Sheldon Cooper: Raj, do you have something to add?
- Raj Koothrappali: You brought shame upon yourself and your family. It's not funny, but it's true.
- Sheldon Cooper: I will admit the meeting did not go the way I wanted.
- Howard Wolowitz: [imitating Shatner] Because you barfed where no man has barfed before?
- Sheldon Cooper: Well, the next time I meet him, it will go better.
- Raj Koothrappali: Next time? What makes you think there's gonna be a next time?
- Sheldon Cooper: Wil will give me another chance. He thinks the world of me.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Aw. One of the reasons I love you is you actually believe that.
- Sheldon Cooper: [not getting the sarcasm] Thank you.
- Sheldon Cooper: Guys, guys, Wil Wheaton hosts a secret celebrity D&D game.
- Leonard Hofstadter: How do you know?
- Raj Koothrappali: Who was there?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Why are you damp?
- Sheldon Cooper: I was trying to peek in Wil's window, and he turned the sprinklers on.
- Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that means they must be really famous.
- Sheldon Cooper: I'm almost positive I heard William Shatner.
- Raj Koothrappali: I wonder who else is playing.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I-I bet we can use graph theory to determine who Wil knows and who is likely to play D&D.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yes.
- Leonard Hofstadter: [hurrying over to a white board] Okay, obviously he's connected to the whole "Next Gen" cast.
- Penny Hofstadter: So this is the rest of our night, huh?
- Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, no. This is the rest of our lives.
- Leonard Hofstadter: And Josh Brolin gets you to every Avenger.
- Howard Wolowitz: [on his phone] Kevin Smith's in this article about celebrities who play D&D.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, a-and he was on Wil's podcast, so they know each other.
- Raj Koothrappali: G-Go on his Instagram, see if you can find anything.
- Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, he-he posted something an hour ago: "#GameNight".
- Sheldon Cooper: That looks like Wil's house.
- Howard Wolowitz: William Shatner, Kevin Smith. Who else could be there?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Do you see what I see over his shoulder?
- Howard Wolowitz: [looking closer] Is that a ghost?
- Raj Koothrappali: I think it's Stuart.
- Sheldon Cooper: That is Stuart. What-what's he doing there?
- Raj Koothrappali: Maybe he died in Wil's house and he can't leave until he solves his own murder.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Why would Wil invite Stuart and not us?
- Bernadette Rostenkowski: [watching with Amy and Penny] I know the answer.
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeah. We all know the answer.
- Leonard Hofstadter: We know you were at Wil's D&D game. We saw you on Instagram. We just want to know how you got invited.
- Stuart Bloom: I can't talk about it, or they won't invite me back next week.
- Leonard Hofstadter: So there's another game next week.
- Stuart Bloom: I didn't mean to say that.
- Howard Wolowitz: Who's in it?
- Stuart Bloom: Oh, I can't tell you!
- Raj Koothrappali: How do we get invited?
- Stuart Bloom: I don't know!
- Sheldon Cooper: How many hit dice are they playing the wereboar as having?
- Stuart Bloom: 12D8 + 24. AHH! I mean, I don't know!
- Leonard Hofstadter: [seeing Sheldon playing "Red Dead"] Sheldon, why are you walking everywhere? Just get a horse.
- Sheldon Cooper: I had a horse. It got hit by a train.
- Leonard Hofstadter: Get another one.
- Sheldon Cooper: I can't just replace Chauncey. I'm still in the grieving process.
- Leonard Hofstadter: If you really want to know, I'll tell you where I was. I was at Wil's D&D game, but that's all I can say.
- Penny Hofstadter: Oh, fun. Were there famous people there?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, sorry, I-I-I can't tell you that. Okay, well, yes, but I-I-I-I can't tell you who. Well, no, I-I can tell you Shatner, but that's only because you already knew that one.
- Penny Hofstadter: Well, I'm glad you had fun.
- Leonard Hofstadter: I wish I could tell you who else was there. I can't, I promised.
- Penny Hofstadter: Yeah, if it makes you feel better, I couldn't care less.
- Leonard Hofstadter: That's true, you don't care, so there's no harm in telling you.
- Penny Hofstadter: Okay, you really don't have to.
- Leonard Hofstadter: All right, I'll tell you.
- Penny Hofstadter: I can't believe you met Joe Manganiello. Is he nice?
- Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, he's so nice. I-I-I rolled my dice underneath the couch, and he just lifted it up, one hand.
- Penny Hofstadter: [daydreamily] Oh, I-I bet he did.
- script note: Everybodies cellphone buzzes and they check their phones.
- Raj Koothrappali: That's weird.
- script note: They all receive the picture
- [https://www.imdb.com/title/tt6674718/mediaviewer/rm1066490625/]
- script note: .
- Leonard Hofstadter: We deserve that.
- Raj Koothrappali: I told you when I was in spin class with Scarlett Johansson.
- Leonard Hofstadter: It didn't even turn out to be Scarlett Johansson.
- Raj Koothrappali: Well, that's her fault, not mine!