Neil Patrick Harris credited as playing...
Count Olaf
- Esmé Squalor: If she's so good at fortune-telling, why does she live out here in the Hinterlands instead of having her own television show in the city?
- Count Olaf: I tried that for nine years. Look where it got me.
- Hook-Handed Man: Maybe some wine would help us all relax.
- White-Faced Woman #1: Yes, yes, Olaf. Wine.
- White-Faced Woman #2: You can get that fruity Merlot from the trunk!
- Count Olaf: Drinking and driving? Are you insane? That's incredibly reckless.
- Count Olaf: The Daily Punctilio just put my obituary on the front page.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: "Surprisingly Low Turnout."
- Count Olaf: Look, a sign that we're on the right path. Let's go.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Couldn't that be a sign we're on the wrong path?
- Hook-Handed Man: Not a good time.
- Esmé Squalor: I don't like how she looks at you!
- Count Olaf: Darling, when I was on stage, or occasionally in several minimum security penitentiaries, strange women would offer me things all the time. Flowers, tasteful photographs, marriage proposals. And some of them were wealthy women. Rich dowagers enchanted by my roguish charm, with no head for estate planning whatsoever. And did I accept? That's not the point.
- Librarian: You have questions for Madame Lulu?
- Count Olaf: Of course they don't have any questions. They're lucky to have the work. Without this carnival, they would just be working in human resources with the rest of the freaks.
- Librarian: You report to House of Freaks, where work accommodations will be provided. Also, health insurance, although nearby hospital is... How you say...
- Count Olaf: Burned down?
- Librarian: Out of network.