Patrick Warburton credited as playing...
Lemony Snicket
- Lemony Snicket: Miracles are like meatballs because nobody can agree what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear. A person might say that a sunrise is a miracle, even though it happens every day and far too early in the morning. Somebody else might say that leaping successfully from a train is a miracle, even though that happens every day and far too early in the morning. There is another similarity shared by a miracle and a meatball, which is that they both might appear to be one thing and turn out to be another. This could happen at a gathering of a secret society, particularly if it's held at a second-rate Italian restaurant.
- Lemony Snicket: Besides getting several paper cuts in the same day or receiving news that your worst enemy has been awarded free ice cream, one of the most unpleasant experiences in life is a job interview. From the moment you introduce yourself in a job interview, you're participating in a ritual you are likely to find humiliating and sinister. You may be asked to perform some meaningless task which you are in no position to refuse. You are likely to be watched carefully while you perform this task, and you will likely pretend to be far more enthusiastic than you actually are. And you are likely to be evaluated, a word which here means, "Tested over and over again for no reason other than your own embarrassment." The worst thing about a job interview is that it is likely to fill you with despair, whether you are dismissed immediately and find yourself wandering unemployed across a desolate landscape, weeping and moaning, or whether your are hired and find yourself wandering across that same desolate landscape, weeping and moaning in exchange for a salary.
- Lemony Snicket: My name is Lemony Snicket, and long ago I experienced a terrible night at a masked ball, when a secret message arrived too late to help the woman I loved. So, I know how it feels to have your life spin out of control, driven by the cruel whims of an unpredictable madman.
- Lemony Snicket: These files contain a complete report of the tragic events that transpired during my apprenticeship at Stain'd-by-the-Sea. Which had to wait until now to be told, due to respect for the surviving parties, and copyright law.
- Lemony Snicket: What if we're wrong? No group of people, no matter how noble or well-read, or how secret their headquarters, can extinguish the fires of the world.
- Larry Your-Waiter: I really must insist that you finish your drink, because you never know when a root beer float can solve all your problems.
- Lemony Snicket: Miracles are like meatballs, because nobody can agree what they are made of, where they come from, or how often they should appear.