Neil Patrick Harris credited as playing...
Count Olaf
- Count Olaf: We'll camp here for the night and burn it down in the morning. It's important to be well rested before committing arson.
- Count Olaf: [pontificating] A catch phrase should be cool and snappy. And you should be able to use it in any situation at all. Like, uh, "It's my way or the freeway," or, "Give me those earrings, Rachel," and, "It should be rooted in the truth,"
- [acting gesture]
- Count Olaf: which is why when I perform, I ignore the script, and say whatever comes into my mind. Pajama bottoms. Absent. Nickelback. Let's try this right now. When I point at you, say the first thing that pops into your head.
- White Faced Woman #1: I'm in love with you.
- Count Olaf: Not bad.
- White Faced Woman #2: I'm in love with you more.
- Count Olaf: Now that's catchy.
- Bald Man: I'm in love with your girlfriend.
- Count Olaf: Ew!
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Is a personal philosophy of moral relativism the only way to survive in an increasingly complex world, or is it an excuse we use for doing bad things?
- Count Olaf: Could use a polish.
- Hook-Handed Man: I'm in love with...
- Esmé Squalor: [walking up] Look what I found darling. A pack of strange green cigarettes just laying in the snow, as if someone dropped them while running for their life.
- Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender: Smoking is very very bad for you.