Neil Patrick Harris credited as playing...
Count Olaf
- Count Olaf: You can find anything in the library if you have one thing.
- Klaus Baudelaire: The catalog?
- Count Olaf: A hostage.
- Sunny Baudelaire: Burn down hotel.
- Count Olaf: The little brat is following in my footsteps! I was a good guardian after all!
- Count Olaf: I've always been honest about my desires to you orphans: you maimed or dead and your fortune in my rarely-washed hands. That's more than the rest of these people can say.
- Violet Baudelaire: These people are here to help us.
- Count Olaf: Help you? Look around! I see a banker who cares more about a promotion than three orphans!
- Arthur Poe: Vice-President, Orphan Affairs.
- Count Olaf: I see a man who was too afraid to protect you and a woman who values paperwork over peoples' lives! I see a vice principal who was more than happy to let me into his school as long as I stroked his ego!
- Vice Principal Nero: That's a lie! He only stroked my... violin.
- Count Olaf: I see rich people who only cared about you because you were "in" and villagers who only took you in to do their chores! I see volunteers whose complicated codes and pretentious literary references are useless against the real treacheries of the world! And presiding over them all, a justice so blind she let me marry you! These so-called decent people have done more to help my schemes than any of my associates. They should be up here!
- Klaus Baudelaire: They're not up here, you are!
- Count Olaf: Yes, but you are up here too, Baudelaires.
- Count Olaf: You are not the innocent orphans you've let these people think you are. You've lied. You've stolen. You've abandoned people. You've set fires. Time after time you have relied on treachery for survival, just like everybody else because here is the real truth that nobody is willing to tell you: There are no noble people in the world!
- Violet Baudelaire: [desperate] Our parents.
- Count Olaf: Huh... I see your parents never told you about that night at the opera and that box of poisoned darts.
- Count Olaf: Those volunteers never thought I was noble enough. I'll show them! Those judges never thought I was wicked enough. I'll show them, too! I will get my revenge on everyone, and volunteers and villains alike will perish in anguish!