J. Lee credited as playing...
Lt. John LaMarr
- Willks: I'm your publicity officer. I'm here to help guide you through your apology tour.
- Lt. John LaMarr: Okay, wait. Now I'm really lost. What the hell is that?
- Willks: You-you don't know what an apology tour is? John, they happen every day. How can you not be aware...
- Lt. John LaMarr: Let's say I'm not aware, okay? Let's say, right, I'm the dumbest sonofabitch you've ever met. Now with that in mind, why don't you explain my situation to me?
- Willks: Okay: you performed a disrespectful act on a statue commemorating frontier hero Mella Giffenden. It was caught on video and uploaded to the Master Feed. You received over one million downvotes from the public, which makes what you did a crime against the state. You will now begin an apology tour during which the people will vote on whether or not they believe your sincerity. If your downvotes remain under ten million, you'll be free to go.
- Lt. John LaMarr: [breaks out laughing after a beat] W-w-wait. All that crap you just said: that-that's real? You gotta be kidding me.
- Willks: That's how the justice system works, which I think you know.
- Lt. John LaMarr: Okay, wait. So, uh, what happens if they don't believe me?
- Willks: You will undergo social correction to prevent future transgressions.
- Lt. John LaMarr: What's that, "social correction?"
- Willks: You will receive a series of neurological treatments to pacify any and all potentially negative impulses.
- Lt. John LaMarr: Okay, now I ain't laughing.
- Lt. John LaMarr: Is the Captain mad?
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Well, he's more mad at me.
- Lt. John LaMarr: Oh, good.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: I dunno John, I think you look good in skinny jeans.
- Lt. John LaMarr: If I wanted to scratch my balls right now, I'd have to reach in my back pocket.
- Cmdr. Kelly Grayson: Why are you sitting like that?
- Lt. John LaMarr: It's these friggin' jeans. If I lean back right now I'd give myself a vasectomy.