Ted Danson credited as playing...
Michael
- Jason Mendoza: No, no! Homies! Check it, 'cause there's something messed up with this place. We keep fighting with each other, none of the TVs get the NFL Red Zone Channel, my soulmate doesn't even know who Blake Bortles is. I know this sounds crazy, but... I think we're in the Bad Place.
- Michael: Jason figured it out? Jason? This is a real low point. Yeah, this one hurts. Ow.
- [snaps his fingers to reset]
- Janet: No, no, no, no, Michael! Please, please! Please don't kill me. I have so much to live for.
- Michael: I'm sorry, Janet. Gotta reboot you every time I start over.
- Janet: Oh, I know. I'm not actually upset. It's just the automatic fail-safe mechanism that kicks in every time you approach the plunger. Go ahead.
- [he moves to press it]
- Janet: Michael, you monster!
- Michael: How did it come to this? I was just trying to do something innovative and different that would improve the way we make humans' lives miserable for eternity.
- Jason Mendoza: Hmm. Well...
- Michael: Shut up. What are my options? Do I have any? I mean, I can't go along with her plan. It'll be a spectacular failure. But I can't ignore her, or she'll rat me out to Shawn. I'm trapped.
- Jason Mendoza: You're saying a lot of words right now, and I only know some of them, like "rat" and "Jason". But I know a little wisdom I can give you.
- Michael: I know everything that happened in your life, and it was all stupid, so I highly doubt that.
- Chidi Anagonye: Michael, what do we do here?
- Michael: I don't know. Apparently, the Bad Place knows one of you actually belongs down there with them, and they want that person to get inside the obelisk, or they're gonna take all of you.
- Jason Mendoza: I can't go! I'm too young to die! And too old to eat off the kids' menu! What a stupid age I am!
- [first lines]
- Michael: This is daily notes log for attempt number three of my neighborhood experiment. Obviously, I hope and assume this will be the final version. No, I know it will be. All the kinks have been worked out. This is the one. And after I pull this off, they're gonna hang my picture in the Bad Place Hall of Fame, right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth.
- Michael: Vicky, let's look at the big picture here. Now, if you all can just stick with my plan and we pull it off, we'll be heroes. You could write your own ticket. You might even land the Jared from Subway account.
- Vicky: Yeah. But I don't think you can pull it off. You can't even pull off those bowties.
- Michael: [covering his bowtie protectively] That was very mean.
- Vicky: You're gonna reboot those four dum-dums one more time, and then I'm taking over. I'm going to execute my version of this neighborhood. You see, I've been working on it while all of your versions fell apart.
- Michael: This is insubordination. And if you do not do what I tell you immediately, you are going down.
- Vicky: [dropping a folder on his desk] That's a complete report of every mistake you've made. Every screw-up, every reboot, all laid out in excruciating detail. Now, I'm sure your boss would love to hear all about how "attempt number two" is really going. So, actually, if you don't do what I say, you're going down.
- Vicky: [affecting an Australian accent] Down under.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: Your sick torture plan is not working, okay? 'Cause we keep figuring out your little puzzle. We're winning, which means you're losing. So you have two choices here, buddy: keep failing over and over or realize we're actually the ones with all the power here.
- Michael: Yeah, no, uh... We're on the same page.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What?
- Michael: I want to team up with you guys.
- Eleanor Shellstrop: What? Why? You do? What?