Seth MacFarlane: Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • ...

The D in Apartment 23

Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Glenn Quagmire • Seamus

Brian Griffin: You know what? Fuck you!
[the angry mob suddenly gasp in shock]
Brian Griffin: I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?", or "Are there bigger problems in this world than this tweet?" Well, I assure you there are! And just for the record, I love black people! I've watched tons of black porn! So what do you all want from me? Huh? You want to ruin my life? Well, congratulations, you did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harrassed, no one will hire me...
Stewie Griffin: [from off-screen] That was a problem before.
Brian Griffin: ...I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself, or that they're gonna kill my family! LEAVE ME ALONE! I'm the self-righteous liberal douchebag, not you! I've kissed a transsexual before, how many of you can say that? Where's my fucking medal? I am so far left I'm spinning in circles, you shitheads! INSTEAD OF KILLING MYSELF, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!
Angry Mob Man: I'd like to see you try.
Brian Griffin: [the man slowly approaches Brian and punches him] Ow. Geez.

Brian Griffin: About to see the new Kevin Hart movie. Just kidding, I'm a white guy and went to college. Hashtag: Baywatch Movie.

Lois Griffin: What were you thinking writing that tweet?
Brian Griffin: What? It was just a joke!
Lois Griffin: Brian, it's not 2005! You can't just go online and say whatever you want.
Stewie Griffin: Yeah, remember how mad people got when DiGiorno tweeted about domestic violence? And they're not even a guy, they're a pizza!
Brian Griffin: Alright! Alright! I'll delete the tweet.
Stewie Griffin: You haven't deleted it yet? Y -
[Chuckles]
Stewie Griffin: What a train wreck!

Lois Griffin: This is getting out of control. We can't leave the house without getting harassed.
Peter Griffin: Yeah. Yesterday, I went outside to try to get the mail and I had a seizure.

Stewie Griffin: Thanks for driving me to the Library for Story Time Brian. Today we're reading the Very Hungry Caterpillar versus the Human Centipede. I heard it's like Alien versus Predator with a bit more butt eating.

Stewie Griffin: [In a voicemail to Brian] WOW! You're blowing up! Blowing up bad. Oh - look at that, "Huffington Post" just picked it up. Buckle up, buddy!

Brian Griffin: [his tweets are getting little attention] You can't stop me. Just like people can't stop Peter from ordering shepherd's pie.
[cut to the family at restaurant]
Waiter: And what can I get for you, sir?
Peter Griffin: I'll have the shepherd's pie.
Waiter: I'm sorry, but that's not on the menu.
Peter Griffin: Well, do you have potatoes?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Butter?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Cream?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Salt?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Pepper?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Garlic?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Onions?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Lamb?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Carrots?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Eggs?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Flour?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Rosemary?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Thyme?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Chicken broth?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Corn?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Peas?
Waiter: Yes.
Peter Griffin: Lightsaber?
[cut to him waving a lightsaber around as he eats]
Peter Griffin: Remember when we did "Star Wars"?

Stewie Griffin: Looks like a student rally. They probably forgot to study for an exam, so they organized a protest. In the 90s, you just pull a fire alarm, now you hold a protest. That is, when they're not looking down at their phones.

Stewie Griffin: [reading Brian's tweet] Someone needs to tell Donald Trump it's not fashionable to wear orange on your face after Labor Day. Hashtag Oompa-Trumpa. Zero retweets, zero likes. Yeah, viral.