Kurt Fuller credited as playing...
Jed Karey
- Rafael Barba: You're in my seat.
- Jed Karey: Well, I was at the legal aid bar. Too many lawyers buying me drinks. I literally had ten beers lined up in front of me on the bar.
- Rafael Barba: That is such a nice perk for representing a rapist.
- Rafael Barba: The People are unable to prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Justin Vichinsky sexually assaulted Martha Cobb. Accordingly, I move to dismiss the indictment.
- Jed Karey: The defense joins in this motion.
- Judge Heshy Horowitz: This is highly unusual, Mr. Barba. Are you sure that's what you want to do?
- Rafael Barba: I am sure that the perpetrator of this crime will never be known to a legal certainty.
- Judge Heshy Horowitz: I appreciate your candor. Very few prosecutors would have the courage to make this call. The case is dismissed.
- Randy Platt: I'm here because I was served with a subpoena, and I obey the law unlike some other individuals.
- Jed Karey: Why'd you attend Martha Cobb's speech at Hudson University, Mr. Platt?
- Randy Platt: Because we knew the antifa cucks and the "Black Lies Matter" crybabies would try to stop her from speaking.
- Jed Karey: Now, who's this "we" you're referring to?
- Randy Platt: I'm the leader of a group called Patriots of the American Way.
- Jed Karey: Right, yeah. According to your website, its mission statement is to, "Purge the country of degenerate filth and create a white ethno-state"?
- Randy Platt: That's right.
- Jed Karey: Well, just so we understand this clearly, which members of the jury would your group want to purge?
- Rafael Barba: Objection.
- Judge Heshy Horowitz: I'll allow it.
- [to Platt]
- Judge Heshy Horowitz: You may answer.
- Randy Platt: [points out nonwhite jurors] Him, her, her, him, her.
- Juror: [angrily rises from his seat] Step out of this courtroom, and I'll kick the living crap out of you.
- [all talking indistinctly; gavel bangs]
- Judge Heshy Horowitz: All right, let's all take it easy.
- Randy Platt: Oh, and just to finish my answer flannel shirt in the back row. I can't tell if he's a Jew and/or a homosexual. We'd have to conduct some research into him.
- Jed Karey: Is this one of your books with a picture of you in a skimpy outfit on the cover?
- Martha Cobb: Yes. That "skimpy outfit" put me on the "New York Times" best-seller list for 43 straight weeks.
- Jed Karey: So, what are you selling your readers, Ms. Cobb? Ideas or T and A?
- Rafael Barba: Objection!
- Martha Cobb: This is all very entertaining, but do you really wanna ask me about my ass after what I've been through?
- Jed Karey: Withdrawn!
- Jed Karey: Mr. Platt, isn't it a fact that you're an ignorant troll who fetishizes guns because of your tiny, tiny hands? That's what Martha Cobb called you at the bar at the Park Milano Hotel the night before her speech.
- Randy Platt: Wait a sec.
- Jed Karey: You made a pass at her there, and she proceeded to humiliate you.
- Randy Platt: Who told you that?
- Jed Karey: The three witnesses from the bar I have waiting in the rotunda. Your hero emasculated you. That must have infuriated you, right? So much so that you got payback the next day at Hudson University.
- Randy Platt: Dirty little shyster!
- Jed Karey: Nothing further.