Tiffany Haddish: Mia Carter

Like a Boss

Mia Carter

Mia: You don't have to worry your pretty little head.
Claire Luna: Oh, my head is not little. It's just that my breasts are humongous..

Mia: And remember, no sex tonight, okay? Homecoming sex is the worst. Because your date gets to dancing, they get all sweaty, and that sweat gets trapped under their cummerbund, then that moves down to Funkytown, and that's how you get a yeast infection.
Mel Paige: And you don't want a yeast infection.
Sydney: Plus, you know, you're only super tight for a limited time, so you don't want to waste it.
Barrett: Amen!

Sydney: I ended up eating the whole thing. And then I realized I didn't take the paper out between the cheese slices. So I'm a little backed up.
Mel Paige: That's okay. Good fiber.
Mia: You're probably gonna shit a novel.
Sydney: Oh, God, I sure hope so.

[first lines]
Mel Paige: What? He was just at the bar without any security or anything?
Mia: Wait, I haven't gotten to the best part. Next thing I know, we're in his hotel room, and he's lathering up my titties with that little bar of soap. It's crazy, because I'm not even attracted to him.
Mel Paige: He's got no ass. You're more of an ass girl.
Mia: Exactly. I like my men to have ass, indeed. Okay? I don't care if they can read. But let me state, Barack Obama straight fucked the shit out of me.
Mel Paige: What?
Mia: But I couldn't even enjoy it. I was feeling so bad for Michelle the whole time.
Mel Paige: I told you not to read her book. It's ruined all my fantasies about him. I can block out his mom jeans, but not Sasha and Malia. What was his dick like this time?
Mia: It was dignified and confident. That dick was presidential.

Mel Paige: Kim's house get even bigger?
Mia: She probably had one of those Japanese toilets installed that blow-dry your coochie.

Mel Paige: Is this chocolate sprinkles your pubes?
Kim: Oh, my God. This is so beautiful.
Mia: You talking about this frosted replica of your vagina?
Kim: That's exactly what it looks like. I got completely waxed, though. I want a clean work space for the doctor.
Jill: That is so considerate! I made them find it.
Kim: I can't believe you don't want one of these.
Mia: You talking about a pussy cake?
Kim: No, a baby!

Mia: Let's keep it one hundred. Her daughter a ho. Let's just - let's just keep it one hundred. You know who she look like? She look like a messed-up Betty White.
Mel Paige: You know who she really looked like? George Washington.
Mia: Yes! Like she straight off the Quaker Oats box. I just look at her, and I want to start boiling water.

Mia: [singing] You better Flip that flapjack, Flip it, flip it, Smack it, smack it, Flip it, smack it...

Mel Paige: Is it weird that we're still roommates?
Mia: Who cares if we still live together? We are two badass queens, like those bitches who raised Wonder Woman. We a tribe.

Mia: I had to work off that extra vagina cake. Right on top of Harry. P.S. Harry's not really hairy. He's smooth like a CPR dummy.

Harry: You guys are so cool. I love the idea of being your age someday and still living with my dudes.
Mel Paige: Huh? Ouch!
Mia: I don't listen to nothin' he says, girl. I just watch that velvety mouth move and think about it all in my nooks and crannies.

Mia: We shouldn't feel guilty about putting our careers first. We're just acting like men.

Mel Paige: We've dreamed of this since we were teenagers.
Mia: No, you've dreamed of this since we were teenagers. I just wanted to be a boss.