Theodora Crain: [after Theo and Shirley sees Nell's ghost. Theo is extremely emotional] That was her! That was her! That was her! Did you see that, Shirley? Do you fucking believe THAT? You ought to know why I did it. I touched Nell because I had to know. You know what I'm talking about. Don't pretend that you don't. You know what happens when I touch people. A part of you knows, it always has. I had to know and I... I touched her. And I felt nothing. Just nothing. And it spread, it spread everywhere in me, this nothing, until I couldn't feel anything anymore. I was just this dark, empty black hole. And I tried to fill it up, I tried to fill me back up, and I called Trish and she came right away and I felt nothing. And then I tried to mourn at the wake and I felt nothing, and so I drank and I drank, and nothing worked. I couldn't feel anything, Shirley. After I touched her skin, I couldn't feel anything. And then we're in the basement and the lights go out. And I can't see. And I can't feel. And I'm just - I'm just floating in this ocean of nothing, and I wonder if this is it, if this is what death is, just out there in the darkness, just darkness and numbness and alone, and I wondered if that's what she felt and that's what Mom feels, and it's just numb and nothing and alone. What if that's what it is for all of us when the time comes? And then the lights came on and there he was, and I... I didn't see him. I didn't see him. He was the light in the darkness. He was a life preserver in the ocean. I just - I reached for him because I had to feel something. I had to feel anything. And I didn't see him. I didn't - I didn't see him. I didn't see him. I didn't see him! And he stopped me. He stopped me. He took my hands, and he said no, and then I saw him, and then you walked in. God, I'm so glad I did it, though. Because it worked. Oh, God, it worked. I started feeling things again, and I felt - I felt shame, and I felt grief, and I felt scared. I felt so fucking scared that I was gonna lose the only sister that I had left. And I... Honestly, I had to do it, because it felt better than nothing. That thorough fucking shame was so much better than that horrible, empty nothing. I can't - Shirley, please. I am - I am so - I am so, so, so sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, just please.
[Shirley bends down to help Theo up]
