Caitlin Carmichael credited as playing...
Gretta
- Baldric: This is the champion we've been waiting for.
- Gretta: *This* little wiggling worm?
- Dwight: Hey!
- Baldric: It appears so.
- Gretta: This mucus-y little toad?
- Dwight: Hey, whoa, whoa! Why the name calling?
- Gretta: This rabbit pellet is the one who is supposed to protect... .
- Dwight: Okay, okay, okay. We don't have to see eye-to-eye on everything. We can respect each others differences, right? Yeah?
- Gretta: Get me another champion, Baldric.
- Baldric: I dearly wish I could, but the rules of the spell are inflexible. It was his kiss that woke you.
- Dwight: Oh, no. No no no. Hold up. I did not kiss her.
- Gretta: Am I awake? Then you kissed me.
- Dwight: No, total accident. I fell on my face... and you were under it.
- Gretta: Should have read the contract.
- Dwight: The-the what?
- [Gretta gestures toward the inscription carved into the wall which Dwight reads]
- Dwight: Waking this princess with your kiss, you agree to perform the office and function of her Champion until her hordes of enemies are defeated.
- [Dwight falls into a hole and accidentally kisses Gretta, awakening her from her thousand year slumber and causing her to point a sword at his throat]
- Dwight: No no no!
- Baldric: Mortal enemy or harmless peasant?
- Dwight: Wait!
- Baldric: Hold, Your Highness. It worked! Look around you?
- Gretta: Shall I kill this foe or not?
- Baldric: He is *not* a foe. I regret to say, Your Highness, *this is him.*
- Gretta: Who?
- Baldric: The one. You know, the last hope... the only solution.
- Gretta: Him?
- Baldric: It was because of these legions of enemies that we resorted to the Champion spell. We were besieged on all sides, barricaded in the castle, no hope of rescue, so I cast a spell of last resort.
- Gretta: The Champion spell is what put us all asleep.
- Baldric: Princess Gretta, myself and anyone else in the woods that day. The spell was designed to remain in effect until a champion came. Someone with the courage, the valor, the skills to defeat the Princess' hordes of enemies.
- Gretta: Instead we got you.
- Dwight: [panting] So, when I woke you up...
- Baldric: With your kiss!
- Dwight: Accidental kiss.
- Gretta: You woke up everyone. The spell is broken. We're back.
- Gretta: Get off your rump. These woods are crawling with my foes.
- Dwight: Who are you?
- Baldric: You have the honor of addressing Princess Gretta, the Besieged. I am her court magician, Baldric.
- Dwight: 'Kay. I'm Dwight.
- [Gretta pulls her sword from her scabbard and raps Dwight hard on each shoulder]
- Dwight: Ow!
- Gretta: Sir Dwight now. Rise, Champion, and run. My enemies are everywhere!
- [Princess Greta is hanging by her wrists over a hole where a fire-breathing dragon dwells]
- Gretta: Let me go this instant, you... .
- Black Knight: Call me
- [removes his helmet]
- Black Knight: Sugar Plum.
- Gretta: Chlodwig?
- Black Knight: None other, my darling. This is the happiest day of my life!
- Gretta: Release me this instant, Chlodwig. Honestly, I've tried to be nice.
- [Gretta is noisily chomping and slurping up two handfuls of fruit]
- Dwight: Were you raised in a barn?
- Gretta: No, a cliffside fortress, then a desert fortress, a swamp fortress, an underground fortress and finally a forest fortress. This is a spectacular plum.
- Dwight: People are staring at you.
- Gretta: I'm starving! I haven't eaten in... .
- Baldric: Over a thousand years.
- [after a lengthy sword fight, the Black Knight knocks away Gretta's sword and has her at his mercy]
- Dwight: Okay. Okay, okay man. Hey, we all know violence isn't the answer.
- Gretta: Save your breath, Champion.
- Black Knight: Champion? Him?
- Gretta: Sadly, yes.
- Black Knight: This spineless tadpole?
- Gretta: I know.
- Black Knight: This sniveling little weakling?
- Dwight: Can we not do this again?
- [the Black Knight hoists Gretta over his shoulder and carries her from the room]
- [Baldric and Gretta emerge from the foliage]
- Juliet: Hey there.
- Gretta: [brandishing her sword] Mortal enemy or harmless peasant!
- Dwight: [popping out of the woods behind Gretta] Also, you're going to kill the shrubs... Whoa, whoa. Okay.
- Gretta: What is that?
- Dwight: This is Juliet.
- Juliet: Hey.
- Baldric: Kneel, wench! You are in the presence of her royal... .
- Dwight: No, no, no, no. That is not how we are going to do this. This is my turf now. What we are going to call "Nice Turf."
- Gretta: I will never marry you, Chlodwig.
- Chlodwig: But we are betrothed. Mummy and Daddy promised you to me.
- Gretta: We were three years old... and then you turned into a lunatic.
- Chlodwig: I am a prince. No one tells me no.
- Gretta: I am a *princess* and I am telling you no.
- Chlodwig: You'll marry me or I'll feed you to the dragon!
- [Chlodwig hacks at the rope suspending Gretta above the dragon's lair with his sword]