Caitlin Carmichael: Gretta

Peanut

Gretta

Gretta: Oh, hi, Linda. Gretta is looking for the perfect animal to fill the hole in her heart.
Gretta: Something ferocious and terrifying.
Linda: Pardon?
Gretta: Where do you keep the vicious creatures?
Dwight: [to Gretta while nervously laughing] You said you wanted a pet.
Gretta: An animal... or several dozen. To infest the moat and strike terror and awe into the hearts of any invaders.
Dwight: Oh. Wow. This is an animal shelter, where normal non-lunatics come to adopt a pet.
Gretta: To what purpose?
Dwight: Well, to get homeless animals off the street, for one.
Gretta: That is a feat that could easily be accomplished by making a very large stew.
Dwight: No. No, we are not having this conversation - not in my happy place.

Gretta: Sir Dwight, you must believe me. This demon will split you from nave to chops.
Dwight: From what to what?
Gretta: I watched with my own eyes as it breached the castle walls. It tore apart every man that dared to stand against it, or was so unlucky as to stand in its path.
[Dwight rolls his eyes]
Gretta: Why aren't you listening to me?

Dwight: Listen, if you ever tell me that my puppy is a-a-a var-var-vargooger... .
Gretta: A varger?
Dwight: That. I promise I'll take your word for it.

Linda: We got a call about this wittle guy. He wandered in from the woods last night.
Dwight: Aw.
Sophie: Aw!
Gretta: AWWW!
[Gretta runs screaming from the shelter]

[howling is heard throughout the woods]
Gretta: That's the pack. They're calling him home.
Dwight: There's a whole pack of those things?
Gretta: They keep mostly to the woods, but that little one has been hunting us for years.

[Gretta is searching for the right creatures at the local animal shelter]
Dwight: It's a beautiful thing you're doing, Gretta.
Gretta: It will be. With the proper depth of water and a healthy cover of moss...
Dwight: What?
Gretta: And the right creatures lurking beneath the surface.
Dwight: The surface of... what?

[a shape is seen thrashing around in a pile of leaves]
Baldric: 'Tis I, you fools.
Gretta: Baldric!
Baldric: I beg your pardon. I meant to say, "'Tis I, you fool - and Your Highness."

Gretta: It was this same varger that devoured my great uncle Grimbald and developed a lust for royal flesh that caused it hunt my family for three generations.
Baldric: I saw it devour four men in one day.
Dwight: This is a baby dog, not a vargal
Gretta: Varger. It takes this shape only to lure fools to their deaths.

Dwight: [to his new puppy] Aren't you a cute little peanut.
Gretta: That is no peanut, Sir Dwight. 'Tis a varger.
Baldric: Well, I'm going to go to the pet store to get some puppy supplies. You guys want to come or you too busy with your crazy?