Callum_Hofler

Here's a test to see if The Boy Next Door will offend you with its blatant sexism, idiocy and technical ineptitude!

1. Are you a human?

If you answered yes to the prior question, you will be thoroughly offended by what I have just witnessed!

In all seriousness... oh my god.

I didn't know it was possible.

I didn't realise I could love something as much as this.

I've found it.

Ladies and gentleman, I have found the next cult classic. The Boy Next Door is a transcendent level of bad that should be watched and loved by all!

Such sh*t-tastic lines, including:

*"I love your mother's cookies!" *"Let me love you, Claire!" *"Go f*ck yourself." "I'd rather f*ck you."

J-Lo, unwilling to go full-on nude, awkwardly clutching blankets to her body after engaging in a soft-core romp with one of the worst actors of our generation. Beautiful!

After someone mentioned "A clean slate", I couldn't stop thinking about one of the Badman College Humor skits. I was laughing for far longer than was justified.

This film is initially both a feminist's worst nightmare and ideal dream, rolled into one: the woman is weak-willed and falls prey to a guy, but it's also a terrible, demonizing, pathological and abusive guy, so that's points to the Tumblr feminists to use against us evil men! But then it's men who save the day at the end, so it kind of balances itself out, I think...

The sound equalization gave me cancer. That is all.

If you're not part of the scoring community, you won't understand the fuss made out of the film's score's release. Varese Sarabande released the album, but in their description, they somehow call it a "historic" collaboration between composers Randy Edelman and Nathan Barr. First and foremost, if you've read my review for this hunk of sh*t of a score on my website, you'll know that this is really inaccurate. Second: now you're in on the joke! Feel included!

Character archetypes and unnecessary subplots! How fun!

The shaky-cam is really stupid. It doesn't add intensity, nor is it particularly well-handled (study any Paul Greengrass film to see how it's done).

So... many... unnecessary... insert shots...

I'm sorry. But this movie is amazing. It's hilarious. Every second of it was fun. I was legitimately in a state of ecstasy the entire time.

If you have not seen this movie, watch it. Now! It's worth every second, if only to watch Step-Up dancer #324 overact every little detail to the best of his ability!

Note: I was tempted to give this film a perfect rating. In a way, it kind of deserves it. I am also very tempted to put this on my "Favourites" list, because it's so much fun. Absolutely recommended.

After the critical mutilation Chappie received upon initial release, I was perhaps prepared for something of a magnitude of bad that had not been witnessed within film since Trolls 2. But it turns out that Chappie is not all that terrible. Instead, it's something far less remarkable: average. Whilst Blomkamp injects a visual flair and intrepid charge into his work that is undeniable and utterly palpable from the beginning to the end (and leads me to provide a mixed sentiment, instead of a negative), he can't wholly rectify the abysmal and completely blatant thematic material, which spells only recurring concepts from his previous endeavors, both films of which achieved far more in terms of successful analogies on the current state of third-world poverty and discrimination. The environments are still as lively as ever, and the visual effects are virtually perfect, but these technicalities do not fully transform this into a positive experience. Match the lacking substance with an antagonist who is as boring as he is melodramatic (two concepts which don't seem to gel together on paper, but Hugh Jackman renders the comparison plausible to say the least) keeps Chappie from achieving anything more than decent. Plus, Yolandi Visser was absolutely terrible, though her fellow member of rap group Die Antwoord, Ninja, was actually pretty good.

But Hans Zimmer... Jesus. Talk about a terrible score. Predictable methodology, themes which felt clichéd, an overbearing sentimentality and style which lacks intelligence and just provides thumping, simplistic beats, made more noticeable by their prominence in the sound mix. I knew the score was going to be terrible from the onset, but come on Blomkamp; Zimmer was never appropriate for this setting! Ryan Amon would've been a far better choice, and would have served as a great foundation to an ongoing collaboration.

All the same, Chappie is indistinct. Its commentary on racism is as blatant as any metaphor I've seen this year (when the female lead tells Chappie about the story of a Black Sheep, I genuinely laughed) and it lacks a story which proves justly compelling nor original. But hey; it's technically sufficient, Dev Patel is decent and Sharlto Copley, as was expected, kicks it out of the park.

A few things to note before I muster up the energy to write a full-blown review.

-Legolas is a god and is absolutely hilarious in this film

-Thorin's development is initially far too sudden, but evens out as the film goes on. By the end, his arc is understandable and well done.

-Howard Shore's score is incredible; a great improvement over the far less impressive The Desolation of Smaug score

-The love story which I actually loved in the previous film is so utterly cringe-worthy that I could barely watch whenever it was brought up.

-That said, the final scene with Tauriel and Kili is incredible and beautifully constructed.

-The visual effects are not as good as they were in The Desolation of Smaug. Whereas in Desolation the visual effects shots had clear grandeur to them, Jackson and Co. dress much of Erebor up with strange pink and grey colouring, as well as distracting smog.

-That said, the character models and large-scale battle scenes are incredible. The orcs looked fantastic (particularly Azog), the interior of Erebor is vast and huge, and Smaug once again looks suitably brilliant.

-For once, an action director who is willing to hold the shot, and keep from cutting every single hit. The battles and individuals fights are sometimes slightly incoherent, but enjoyable nonetheless

-The best opening scene from a film in 2014. The destruction of Lake- Town is harrowing, brilliantly filmed and utterly breathtaking.

-Stupid comedic relief from the Lake-Town Master's deputy is stupid. Burn it with fire.

-I reiterate, because it's fantastic: Legolas is a god, and I could not for one second (nor could those who accompanied me for the screening) take him serious in battle.

-The first act builds up the characters and their arcs brilliantly. Luke Evans shines in these opening scenes.

-The second act is lacking and oft-times boring. Too many boring battle scenes that contain no peril, discussions between people that feel repetitive, and stupid character tropes.

-The third act ties into The Lord of the Rings, whilst maintaining the emotion and scope of The Hobbit films, concluding the majority of the character's stories.

-Bard doesn't get a memorable or definitive resolution. This is an issue.

-Jackson's cinematography, as always, is gorgeous. Even if you hate his use of visual effects, you can't doubt that he has gotten better with his camera-work since The Lord of the Rings, utilizing close-ups rarely and swinging his camera with purpose, instead of idly.

-Much of the comedy is fantastic, apart that from the aforementioned Lake-Town deputy.

-I have to say it once more: Legolas can not be killed.

-The performances are all exceptional, even if some of the dialogue is slightly shoddy.

-The sound design is fantastic as always, and for once, there are no Wilhelm screams! (there was one in Desolation by the way, in the Extended Edition, during the Thrain scene)

-The costumes, make-up and props are award-worthy. Brilliant work once again from all those involved.

Ultimately, Jackson brought me to another world, and made me enjoy much of my time there. I can't wait to experience this film alongside both of the other Hobbit pictures, as well as The Lord of the Rings films, as the ending literally ties into the beginning of Fellowship.

Congratulations Peter Jackson and all those who have collaborated to bring this amazing vision to the screen. A fantastic but nevertheless faulted ride.